God Knows
by Certified Agents
Summary: This is our summary- random hilarious stupidity. We need not say more.
1. Honey, I Shrunk Evolution pt 1

Episode1: Honey, I shrunk Evolution  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
Disclaimer: We own nobody. Superstars sold their souls to Vince, the DA's own themselves, sorta since they're still minors; and Lucifer courtesy from Bannonluke. You Rock!  
  
We're poor, so please don't sue. I'd loose my crappy computer then we couldn't post anything no more.  
  
This story will, at one point or another, will touch on all of those sensitive topics, so please don't be offended, since this is only to entertain. No flaming wanted, but criticism is alright. PLEASE REVIEW!!!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
God: Hi kids! I'm joined today with the Divine Authors Cerrita and Phoenix. (They wave) And we are at (enter Pay-Per-View name here). My name is Fol- God, and we're going to take a look at some of the weird and crazy things the wrestlers do.  
  
We're going to save best for last, and the boring first. And when I say boring, I mean it! Yep, you guessed it, Lance Storm! Let's go spy on him. (evil laugh) But first, we're going to have to get some poor unfortunate souls to do our bidding. And I have just the three for the job. EVOLUTION, GET OUT HERE RIGHT NOW!!! (They enter) I want you to take Hunter's humvee and go spy on Lance.  
  
Hunter: Like Hell! I don't have to do a damn thing! I'm the World Champ!  
  
Randy: Yeah! And I'm a third generation superstar!  
  
Ric: Yeah, and I'm... um... really old! WHOOOOOOOO! (Various twitching and shaking- typical stuff)  
  
(Evolution continues with various protesting)  
  
God: Well, then I have no choice but to shrink you.  
  
Hunter: WHAT THE HELL!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HUMVEE???  
  
(We see a black humvee with green DX signs painted on the doors and hood. It is very, very small, about half an inch tall. With the threat of Hunter being stripped of his title, they grudgingly agree to spy on Lance for God, and are shrunk.)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Driving down the hall on the lookout for Mr. Boring himself, Evolution suddenly sees Lance Storm and Trish Stratus stumble out of the Divas dressing room. Lance looked frightened of the angry Trish.)  
  
Trish: You WORE my PINK AND PURPLE tie-dyed BRA!  
  
Lance: I swear I didn't mean too. It just beckoned for me to wear it! I tried to fight the urge! But.... It told me I wouldn't be boring anymore (begins shaking with fear and crying).  
  
Trish: That is no excuse! YOU STRETCHED IT OUT BEYOND RECOGNITON! I can't wear it anymore!  
  
Lance: But when I put it on, it made me feel as beautiful as you!  
  
Trish: (calm) Really? (Lance nods) Well in that case!  
  
(Trish grabs the collar of Lance's shirt and pulls him back into the dressing room).  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
Hunter: I didn't want to know that. (Whimpers).  
  
Randy: (smiling) It reminds me of Ric.  
  
Ric: Really? (Randy nods) Awwwww.........  
  
(They cuddle)  
  
Hunter: (looks disgusted) That's sick.  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
God: Ok! Um, wasn't that interesting! Who should we spy on next? Divine Authors?  
  
DA Phoenix: Yummmmmm, Kane... (Dreamy smile)  
  
Flair: WHAT? NO WAY! I don't want that thing to kill me!  
  
DA Phoenix: (In the voice of a female Devil) YOU HAVE TWO CHOICES. 1; YOU CAN GO SPY ON KANE AND POSSIBLY DIE, OR 2; NOT SPY ON KANE AND HAVE YOUR HEAD CHOPPED OFF WITH A DULL, RUSTY HACK SAW!  
  
(Evolution's eyes go wide)  
  
Hunter: In that case, we'll be on our way!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(They cautiously drive down the hall awhile before going under a door into a dark room. There are a several candles and mutilated dolls. On the floor is a disturbing site for Hunter. A Tickle-me-Elmo body with the head of a Triple H action figure with X'd out eyes, with a World Championship belt made of the gold aluminum foil from Hersey's Almonds bars. There is also a noose around its neck.)  
  
(Sitting on a bloody, burned up cushion is Kane, sulking with his feet together, arms crossed, moping with the black towel on his head. He has the general appearance of a pouting toddler.)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
Ric: (scared) I don't know about this....  
  
Randy: It reminds me of S&M.  
  
PAUSE.........  
  
Hunter: (sees Tickle-Me-Hunter doll) Oh God, it looks like he wants me dead...  
  
God: (from nowhere) Not my problem!  
  
Hunter: (hears noises from the back of Humvee) Oh sick! You guys, that's not natural!  
  
Ric&Randy: (blush)  
  
Hunter: We're supposed to be watching... IVORY!?  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Ivory enters the room cautiously. Kane hears and turns his head slightly.)  
  
Kane: What are you doing in here?  
  
Ivory: (nervously) I got lost looking for someone else.  
  
Kane: You're here to make fun of me.  
  
Ivory: No, I'm not. (Sits down nearby) There's nothing to make fun of. You're very handsome...  
  
Kane: No, I'm not. Your gonna make fun of me...  
  
Ivory: All that's wrong with your face is the soot from that fire. Let me get a washrag and some water, and clean it up. (Stands and leaves).  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
Hunter: I'm scared.  
  
Ric&Randy: We'll hold you.  
  
Hunter: HELL NO!  
  
Randy: Why not, honey?  
  
Hunter: Freak! Stay away! Don't touch me with your ultra-gay hands! (Randy looks upset.)  
  
Ric: Don't worry darling, I'll hold you.  
  
(Cuddles with Randy.)  
  
Hunter: (looks disgusted.) Wrong in so many ways.  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Ivory returns and sits down again.)  
  
Ivory: Here we go. Get you all cleaned up. (Starts washing his face.) There, you look much better.  
  
Kane: No, I'm hideous. No one loves me.  
  
Ivory: But that's not true. I love you.  
  
Kane: (doesn't hear her) I've never had a girlfriend. I've never even been kissed.  
  
Ivory: (smiles and kisses Kane's cheek) That better?  
  
(Kane nods.)  
  
Kane: But I've never had a girlfriend.  
  
Ivory: That can change. (Sultry smile)  
  
Kane: (Raises eyebrows suggestively) Really?  
  
(Ivory nods slowly.)  
  
Kane: Ok!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Hunter watches in shock. Even Randy and Ric have stopped their 'Cuddling- and-then-some' to watch.)  
  
Randy: Is that position possible? (Tilts head to side)  
  
Ric: Yup. Want me to show you how it's done?  
  
Randy: Of course, sexy boy.  
  
Hunter: Absolutely no Freakin' way! You two had better stop your Ambiguously Gay Excursions before I kick your happy asses out of Evolution, damn it!  
  
Randy: (stops) Why, did you want to join?  
  
Ric: There's always room for the World Champ.  
  
Randy: And I know exactly what we can do with that belt...  
  
Hunter: NO! (Jumps out of the humvee and runs away screaming.)  
  
Randy: (looks at Ric) Shall we continue?  
  
Ric: Lets do.  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Hunter runs a short distance before stopping next to a large fluffy white mass, the thoughts of Ric and Randy- together- make him sick and he throws up on the fluffiness.)  
  
Voice: What in the name of Satan?  
  
(Hunter looks up and sees the white mass is a teddy bear, sitting in a tiny wheelchair, missing an arm and a leg. It's glaring at him)  
  
Hunter: What the hell are you?  
  
Voice: I'm Lucifer!  
  
Hunter: Satan is a... teddy bear?  
  
Lucifer: (pause) No, Satan's my cousin. I'm Kane's best friend. I've known him since he was just a little red machine. (holds hand above the floor to emphasize his point.)  
  
Hunter: Riiiiiiiiiight. Well, I'm gonna be going back to the Humvee now...  
  
Lucifer: Wait a minute; what in the hell are you doing in here, anyway? Kane said nothing about tiny people. (Yells) KANE!!!!!  
  
Kane: (in a small, scared voice.) yes...?  
  
Lucifer: What is this?  
  
(Points to Hunter. Kane picks up Ivory and moves her before getting up, covering his manliness with only the black towel.)  
  
Kane: I don't know. (Sounds sadistic) Can I kill it?  
  
Lucifer: Sure, and any others you find around here. (Does a double take) Who's the chick?  
  
Kane: My girlfriend! (Sounds proud and happy)  
  
Lucifer: Sure, whatever. I'm going to sleep again. Wake me when Hell freezes over.  
  
(Hunter screams like a girl and takes off, making it back to the humvee and pulling on the handle. It's locked. He tries the other doors- no go. He turns around and sees Kane advancing, holding a crowbar. In an act of desperation, he hops through the open window in the side, landing squarely in the back seat.)  
  
Hunter: OH MY DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! (Throws open the back door and runs off. Randy jumps out, pulling up and zipping his pants as he does so.)  
  
Randy: Sweetie, come back please! I didn't mean to scare you! (Takes off after Hunter)  
  
(Hunter ducks under a box, but Randy trips in the middle of the floor, falling flat on his face. Ric leans out of the open humvee door. From what we can see, he's without clothing.)  
  
Ric: My love! Watch out! WHOOOOOOOO!  
  
(Randy is slowly getting up)  
  
Kane: (Looks closer) Ewwww. It's some kind of bug.  
  
Ivory: (from behind a stack of boxes) Kaney-Poo, hurry back!  
  
Kane: Ok! (Looks at the 'bug' and sighs) I hate bugs. How am I gonna kill it? (Sees Lucifer is still awake) Lucifer, can you help me?  
  
Lucifer: Don't tell me your still afraid of bugs. (Kane nods) Oh, for the love of... (Wheels his tiny wheel chair up to Kane) Give me the God-Damn crowbar.  
  
(Kane does so. Randy sees Kane and freaks out. Kane gets scared and tries to hide behind Lucifer, not an easy task. In the Process, the black towel is dropped. Lucifer raises the crow bar with his only arm.)  
  
Randy: (still staring at Kane) But it's bigger than mine!  
  
*SPLAT!!!*  
  
(Everybody stops and leans in closer)  
  
Ric: DARLING!!! NO!!!  
  
Hunter: AHHH!!! How could you!?! That was the last bit of talent in Evolution.  
  
God: (leaning closer) Nasty!  
  
Kane: Cool!  
  
Ivory: (not knowing about Randy) Kaney, I'm waiting!  
  
Kane: Coming!  
  
DA Phoenix: (pokes at it) Still a pile of shit even in death.  
  
DA Cerrita: Hmm. Looks like Gumbo. (God and Phoenix stare at her.) What?  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
God: Alright, that was... new. Ok, next in line for spying is everybody's favorite odd couple- Eric and Steve!  
  
Ric: How can you have us do this after Randy the Beautiful is dead! (sob)  
  
The DA's: Who Cares?  
  
God: I don't.  
  
Hunter: But, not those two! I'm not spying on Eric, because he can fire me, or Steve because he'll actually make me wrestle!  
  
God: Oh, get over yourself and get going before light you on fire.  
  
Kane: (peeking over the boxes) Did someone say fire?  
  
Ivory: Kane, concentrate! (Two hands appear and pull Kane back out of sight by his shoulders.)  
  
Hunter: Fine. (sulks)  
  
(Hunter and Ric, the remaining Evolution, get in the Humvee and drive under the door and back out into the hall. Hunters driving, trying not to look in the rear view mirror and see Ric, who is sobbing and holding what suspiciously looks like a G-string. They arrive at another door, marked 'General Managers'.)  
  
Hunter: I don't wanna go in there.  
  
God: All right, flame on-  
  
Ric: ALL RIGHT, we'll do it! For Randy!  
  
Hunter: (sighs) We're gonna die.  
  
(The scene is calm at first- Steve reclining on a leather couch drinking beer, listening to Hurricane complain about his 'Loser does a Table Strip Dance' with Rosey against the Dudleys')  
  
Hurricane: Citizen Steve, have reason! It's Rosey! He's a fine S.H.I.T., but he doesn't look good in a thong! Heck, he doesn't even look good without his shirt! How can I allow this atrocity to continue, since we're supposed to job?  
  
Steve: So, what's the problem?  
  
Hurricane: (in shock) Have you ever shared a dressing room with this guy? This is not for the good of the general population!  
  
Steve: (Thinking) Hmmm, come back before the show starts, but let me drink on it first.  
  
Eric: (from next room) Not then, Steve! You're helping me bake pie then, remember?  
  
Steve: (nods slowly) I forgot. (Looks at Hurricane) Drinking will do that to you.  
  
(Eric enters, holding a cookie sheet and spatula. He has an apron that reads 'You Wanna Ride This Wild Stallion?' with 'Well hop on then!' in tiny print below. He's covered in flour, but is still beaming. And as a side note, his hair looks more like it's natural color. HA!)  
  
Eric: How about you come back in an hour? Steve won't be busy then. (Glances at Steve and smiles. Steve rolls his eyes.)  
  
(Hurricane turns to leave)  
  
Eric: Oh, before you go, take one of these strudels I baked. Steve helped. (Suggestive wink. He places a strudel in Hurricanes hand, who's staring open mouthed in horror, hoping what he was reading into the situation was wrong.)  
  
Steve: Damn straight. (Throws away empty beer can.) Damn it, lets go make more. (Eric throws off the apron and they head to the next room, shutting the door behind them.)  
  
Hurricane: (in a forced whisper) Please tell me I'm wrong... pleasepleaseplease (he leaves)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
Hunter: I might just cry. It's one of THOSE kinds of partnerships. (Weeps into his hands)  
  
Ric: Sounds like Randy and me. (Begins slipping an arm around Hunter.)  
  
Hunter: (muffled) Touch me and I'll cut off more than just your hand.  
  
Ric: I love it when you talk rough.  
  
(Hunter presses against door in fear)  
  
Hunter: Um, maybe we should look around a little...?  
  
Ric: (disappointed) Sure. (They get out. Hunter tries to find a way onto the end table, but Ric is more interested in that closed door.)  
  
Hunter: (seeing Ric wandering off) Oh, no you don't! (Suddenly banging and such emit from behind the door. Ric beings drooling, walking like a caveman for the door, but Hunter slaps him upside the head.) Definitely not! (Looks around) Here, lets climb the couch.  
  
(They quickly make their way to the arm, with Hunter pausing only to calm his stomach from the 'noises' in the next room.)  
  
Hunter: Hey, what's that on the table? (points)  
  
Ric: I don't know. Lets go see. WHOO- (Hunter clasps a hand over his mouth)  
  
Hunter: Shut up! Do you want them to hear us?  
  
Ric: (muffled) Sorry, luv. (Licks his palm. Hunter looks disgusted, then wipes it on Ric's shirt.)  
  
Hunter: Nasty.  
  
(They climb onto the table, standing back to get a good look at the object on it.)  
  
Ric: It's a book...  
  
Hunter: The 'Khama Sutra'. Eww.  
  
Ric: It's MY book. How'd it get in here? Randy borrowed it to take notes- And that's his diary over there- Damn! He was cheating on me!  
  
(He runs over and, with great difficulty opens the diary cover. The blank space inside the cover was filled with stick figures, and some are even labeled. Hunter looks ready to loose the rest of his lunch, realizing why Ric and Randy had it.)  
  
Ric: (reading) 'Me 'n Eric, Double Leap Frog Putting Green Melon Twist'. (Eyes well up) That's what we used.  
  
Hunter: (scoffs) Baby. (leans against a flower vase, knocking it over with a loud crash. Noise in the next room stops and moments later Eric exits wrapped in a hot pink bathrobe too short for Terri.)  
  
Eric: What the Hell is going on out here? (See's Hunter and Ric on the table.) What the- Evolution? (leans in real close.)  
  
Hunter: Yeah, it's us! Think you could help us out?  
  
(Eric lets out a blood-curdling screech, one that would have put Stephanie to shame, and passed out.)  
  
Ric: You BITCH! HOW DARE YOU TRY TO STEAL MY DARLING RANDY FROM ME! WHEN I GET BACK TO MY NORMAL HEIGHT, I'M GONNA BITCH SLAP YOU SO HARD YOU'LL GO BRAIN DEAD!!! YOU HEAR ME???  
  
Hunter: He's fainted, so I'm guessing no.  
  
(Jumps off table, landing softly on the edge of the robe. Ric follows, pausing only to give a few futile kicks at Eric before jumping in the Humvee with Hunter. They take off at top speed, but in their haste to escape crash into the doorframe, shattering the small vehicle.)  
  
Hunter: Run!  
  
Steve: Eric, what's wrong with you this time?  
  
(Hunter and Ric don't even look back, but sprint down the hall to the next door, which they don't notice is marked RVD.)  
  
Hunter: Let's hide in here. Maybe God and his cronies won't find us.  
  
Ric: Then-  
  
Hunter: Don't even THINK it!  
  
Ric: Shutting up now.  
  
(They enter. The lights are all on, but no one is in sight.)  
  
Ric: Nobodys' here.  
  
Hunter: Yes there is. (Points) Look up.  
  
(They see Rob Van Dam, doing the Van Dam Lift, of course, and meditating. A moment later, the door opens and Sable peeks in.)  
  
Ric: Slut Alert!  
  
Sable: Rob, have you seen Vince around?  
  
Rob: Oh, hi Sable. No I haven't seen the boss. What did you need?  
  
Sable: Nothing really. (Seductive pose) just a little company.  
  
Rob: That's nice.  
  
Sable: I've always wondered how you do that move. Can you show me how?  
  
Hunter: No, Rob! Don't listen to the whore!  
  
Ric: She's perverted! Get away!  
  
God: Hypocrite.  
  
Rob: Sure. I still have the practice stuff I used, it's in the other room. (him and Sable go in the other room.)  
  
DA Phoenix: That poor, poor man.  
  
DA Cerrita: He must have done something wrong in a previous life.  
  
Hunter: (looks skyward) No, shit.  
  
(Suddenly moans and groans can be heard from the other room.)  
  
Sable: Oh, Rob!  
  
Rob: Oh, Sable!  
  
Sable: Oh, Rob!  
  
Rob: Oh, Sable!  
  
Hunter: I feel for him. I really do.  
  
DA Cerrita: Awwww, did little Hunty show a bit of heart?  
  
Hunter: Go away.  
  
.  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
.  
  
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? WHAT WERE ROB AND SABLE DOING IN THAT ROOM? DO WE WANT TO KNOW? NOW THAT RANDY'S GONE, WILL RIC FIND LOVE AGAIN?  
  
Ric: I hope so... (licks lips at Hunter)  
  
Hunter: (cowering) Fear!  
  
BUT NOBODY CARES, RIGHT?  
  
Hunter: Well, actually, I d-  
  
WONDERFUL. CONTINUING-  
  
WHAT TYPE OF PIE WERE ERIC AND STEVE BAKING?  
  
The Rock: Do I really have to tell you?  
  
DA Phoenix: Go away. You're in the next episode.  
  
Rock: But-  
  
DA Phoenix: And your cooking sucks.  
  
DA Cerrita: And you would know this how...? (Phoenix ignores her)  
  
WHAT'S WITH THIS 'THING' BETWEEN IVORY AND KANE? AND WHO THE HELL IS LUCIFER? WHEN IS THE NEXT CHAPTER COMING UP? DO THE AUTHORS HAVE LIVES? (no) WILL THEY GET ONE? (no) DO YOU CARE? (no)  
  
STAY TUNED NEXT CHAPTER! 


	2. Honey, I Shrunk Evolution pt 2

(When we left off, Hunter and Ric were listening to Rob and Sable doing... bad things)  
  
Hunter: Can we leave now?  
  
Ric: You know, listening to them puts me in the mood. (edges closer, starts rubbing Hunter's shoulders.)  
  
Hunter: AHHHHH!!! Get your Gay-ass hands off me!  
  
Ric: But I love you! WHOOOOOO!!!!  
  
(Hunter turns around and punches Ric square in the face. He falls down and begins twitching and convulsing. Hunter then puts one of his knees on Ric's waist and folds him in half, as best he can.)  
  
Ric: AHH! YOU BROKE MY HIP!!!  
  
Hunter: So what, you're an old guy!  
  
(Hunter then picks him up still folded, and tosses him off the table as hard as he can. Ric sails through the air, and we get a wide shot of a tiny black dot flying through the air, hitting the water cooler on the other side of the room.)  
  
Ric: Ow, that hurts. (hears glass creaking) Uh-oh.  
  
(He slides down and off the cooler just as the whole unit explodes, filling the room with about three inches of icy water.)  
  
Hunter: (running round screaming) AH! I'ts cold! I'm gonna freeze! I'm the world champ, Damn it! I don't deserve this!  
  
God: You brought this on yourself, and it's your fault.  
  
DA Cerrita: (Whispers) moron!  
  
DA Phoenix: (whispering) Idiot!  
  
Sable: (sounds stoned) What the Hell was that?  
  
Rob: (sounds stoned) I don't know, lets check it out, dude.  
  
(The door opens and a completely nude Sable exits. Ric see's her and begins screaming)  
  
Ric: My virgin eyes! I'm tainted! WHOOOO!!!  
  
Sable: (seeing Ric) Dude... ewww...  
  
Rob: I'm scared, kill it!  
  
Sable: It's cool dude. (leans in real close and picks up her boob with her index and middle fingers. Ric stares in horror)  
  
Ric: NOOO!!! FEMALE FLESH!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (deep breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
(Sable leans over him and drops her boob, effectively crushing the tiny, 16-time world champ.)  
  
DA Phoenix: I approve.  
  
DA Cerrita: Ditto.  
  
God: Ewwwww.  
  
DA's: God, your cool, but shut up!  
  
Sable: Eww. There's this nastiness on me.  
  
Rob: I'll take care of that. (sticks out tongue)  
  
Hunter: Screw this, I'm outta here! (runs into the hall.) Now where. (sees a closet) I'll go in there!  
  
God: (peeks in closet before Hunter gets there) No, not in there!  
  
Hunter: Screw you! I'm doing what I want!  
  
DA's: (begin humming the death march)  
  
(Hunter enters and looks around. It's completely dark. He walks forward until he runs into something silky)  
  
Trish: What the frig? (turns on the lights) What the- Hunter! Of all the crude ways you've tried to get inside my pants, this is the worst of all!  
  
Lance: Gnarly! How'd you do that, eh?  
  
Trish: Shut up, Lance! (turns to Hunter) That's it, I'm getting rid of you once and for all! (picks up Hunter by a leg. She grabs a vacuum hose and shoves it into his mouth and turns it on 'reverse'. Hunter makes some muffled cries as his body becomes poofy before blowing up like a little firecracker.)  
  
DA Phoenix: What a poof-ball.  
  
DA Cerrita: Hallelujah!  
  
God: Praise the Lord! ME!  
  
AND SO CAME THE END OF EVOLUTION............or is it?  
  
God: I Love Me!  
  
DA's: We're bored now.  
  
God: Don't worry. I've got lots more ideas. 


	3. Rise of the Super Chrises & What the Hel...

The Rise of the Super Chrises & What the Hell Happened to Hell?  
  
God: (meditating, but suddenly opens his eyes) Wow, I'm bored, too.  
  
DA's: No, shit.  
  
God: (thinking) I know! How about we see what's going on with the Smackdown superstars?  
  
DA Cerrita: (with very little enthusiasm) Whoopee.  
  
DA Phoenix: Hey, I heard Jericho snuck over to Smackdown.  
  
DA Cerrita: Like I said... (sigh)  
  
DA Phoenix: But he's so cute! He's my Chrissey-poo-poo-poo!  
  
DA Cerrita: Excuse me while I repress my gag reflex.  
  
God: You've given me a wonderful idea!  
  
DA Phoenix: We're shrinking Haas and Benjamin so they can spy on Chrissy- Poo and get killed too?  
  
God: No, wrong Chris. I'm talking about the one that's actually interesting to watch.  
  
DA Cerrita: Chris Jericho, the King of No Talent... I like that.  
  
(We see Chris Jericho walking into the cafeteria drinking Canadian Beer, Cheeto Puffs, and Evolution Grain Bars{nutri-grain bars in the shape of Ric, Randy, or Hunter- with creamy filling!}, made famous by their tragic deaths. All of a sudden, Chris Benoit bursts into the room)  
  
Benoit: AHHHH!!!! (runs over to Jericho and falls to his knees, clutching the blond Canadian's ankle and weeping) Help me!  
  
Jericho: What are you doing? (intense concentration) I am the King of Bling Bling! For what pathetic reason do you want my help?  
  
Benoit: (still weeping) MY FRIEND RHYNO IS SHAGGING THAT... that... Amazon. (wails)  
  
Jericho: What Amazon?  
  
Benoit: Shaniqua!  
  
Jericho: (scared, confused, discussed look)  
  
Benoit: (suddenly Rob-like happy) Will you join forces with me and bring an end to this sacrilege?  
  
Jericho: (scared) What the Hell did you just say?  
  
Benoit: Lets become one!  
  
Jericho: Sorry, but I gotta go to... Bling Land, now...  
  
Benoit: It'll be fun! We can become the... Super Chrises!!!  
  
Jericho: Rob gave you some of his happy pills, didn't he?  
  
Benoit: No, but I wish he had. (weeps again about Rhyno)  
  
Jericho: (deep breath) Well, I feel sorry for you, you poor, helpless bastard. Alright, I'll help. But it's not because I want us to be friends- again- it's because I don't want to see another Chyna.  
  
Benoit: YAY! (begins prancing and doing Rico type behavior)  
  
Jericho: That has got to go.  
  
Benoit: But I'm an 8-½ foot tall wolverine, when I want to be.  
  
Jericho: (doesn't believe him, but pats Benoit gently on shoulder) Yeah, sure, I believe you. (sarcastically) And I can turn into the Walls of Jericho! (suddenly morphs into a brick wall with 'Jericho' written in graffiti.) I take that back... COOL!!!  
  
Benoit: Cool! (morphs into an 8 ½ foot tall wolverine with nine inch claws and fangs. Given his newly acquired size, his clothing rips ala Incredible Hulk, leaving tattered jean shorts and shreds of cloth around his wrists form his shirt. He strikes a Stacy Keibler pose)  
  
Jericho: (morphs into a human) No.  
  
Benoit: (morphs into a human) What should we do first to overcome the demonic Shaniqua?!  
  
Jericho: (bites off the head of the Randy Grain Bar, letting a drop of cherry filling drip to the floor) Damn it. Well, I guess we can go find Shaniqua and beat the living crap out of her.  
  
Benoit: Poor Rhyno. Who knows what she did to brainwash him... (weeps)  
  
Jericho: Probably not much. He always had a simple mind. (turns to leave, but grabs another Hunter Grain Bar as he goes) Wow, these are pretty good. At least those idiots were good for something.  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(scene changes to fiery pits and caves- basically Hell. Satan is sitting on a throne made of bones and flesh, laughing as he drinks red wine.)  
  
Satan: Having fun, now? HAHAHA!!!  
  
(He's laughing at Evolution, having a tea party with two scary looking Blood Lords. Ric is dressed as an overly sparkly princess. He pauses to adjust his tiara. Randy is dressed as a French Maid, and not liking it. Hunter is dressed as Halle Berry in a formal Red Carpet dress- very showy. He looks like he's about to puke. The two Blood Lords are dressed as Elvis.)  
  
DA's: Priceless! (Cerrita takes a picture)  
  
Hunter: (glaring upward) I hate life. (swears under his breath.)  
  
Satan: (stoned) Well, that's good, 'cause you're not alive anymore!  
  
Randy: Do you know Rob, by any chance?  
  
Satan: Stonehenge? 'Course I do! He's my hookup!  
  
(As if on cue, Rob enters, stoned, and dressed in army pants, tie-die shirt, and a tie with 'Pot' written all over. He also has an American Flag with peace signs instead of stars as a cape. His hair is also in dreadlocks, with a joint in behind his ear.)  
  
Rob: (looks at Satan and the Blood Lords) Dudes! (smokes the joint and puts it back. Looks at Evolution) Dudettes!  
  
Hunter: If I wasn't wearing a garter belt and pumps I'd walk over and kick your stoned ass into Purgatory.  
  
Rob: Just came from there, they got the best crack 'round. (looks at Satan) Hey, bro, I got you a present. (Takes out a small, round, yellow object from his pocket) It's from Wall-Mart!  
  
Satan: SWEET! What is it? (takes it) Cool, a happy face pin! (pins it to his forehead) Beware, I have the third eye! (  
  
Blood Lord 1: (as Beavis) Dude, the third eye is so cool. (laughs)  
  
Blood Lord 2: (as Butthead) Dude, I want one too. Reminds me of the hot fat chick I met at Starbucks. (laughs)  
  
Hunter: Starbucks is in Hell?  
  
Satan: Yeah, they're on a long-term lease.  
  
Rob: (like Theodore Long) Ya better believe da Satty! (points at Satan)  
  
Satan: (With the RVD thumb thing) Satan-Satan-Satan! Yeah!  
  
Rob: Dude, you're doin' it wrong! It's R-V-D!!! (Blood Lords mimic him)  
  
Satan: Satan-Satan-Satan!  
  
Rob: R-V-D!!!  
  
Hunter: AH!!! SHUT UP!!! (weeps pitifully into a pink embroidered handkerchief.)  
  
Randy: (to Hunter) At least you're not wearing fishnets!  
  
Satan: Wanna bet? (raises robes just enough to see fishnets.)  
  
Rob & Blood Lords: ME TOO!!! (proceed to show them) Fishnets are da bomb, baby!  
  
(Undertaker enters)  
  
Taker: PUT OUT THOSE DAMN JOINTS, YA BUNCH OF WUSSIES!  
  
Satan: I object, damn it!  
  
(Undertaker jumps him and beats the crap out of him.)  
  
Satan: AHH! I didn't mean to! I was only keeping daddy's throne warm!  
  
Undertaker: Bull SHIT! (continues to beat him up)  
  
Satan: Ok! OK! You're the best! You're the strongest, I'm the weakest! You're straight, I'm gay! You rock, I suck! You can have your throne back! And you're the bestest deliverer of pain ever!!! (weeps with pain and agony)  
  
Blood Lords: Cool! We wanna get beat up, too! (Taker does so)  
  
Hunter: Good, God.  
  
Ric: Wait, you two are related?  
  
Rob: Dude, I'm feeling left out. ME TOO! (Taker advances at him) Dude! Don't hurt my precious joint! (takes it out, talks to it ala Gollum) Precious, Precious! (takes a big draw, and puts it back)  
  
Taker: Now I am once again ruler! (evil laugh, hand-rubbing thing. Sits gracelessly in throne, passes out snoring, drooling, and twitching.) Sara... Sara!  
  
Hunter: Wow, I thought he was going to beat the crap out of me because I look like... thisssssssss.  
  
Rob: I brought you a present too, Hunter! (ties a bonnet around his head, and sticks a pacifier in his mouth.)  
  
Ric: Awwwwww, he looks so cute, my little Hunty Wunty bear! (pinches his cheek. Hunter growls)  
  
Hunter: OWWW! (looks at his arm, and it's gone) MY ARM! IT'S GONE! What kind of Voodoo is this?  
  
Rob: It's just something I thought of.  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Back to the Chrises. Jericho is watching Benoit skip down the hall ahead of him. Takes a long drink of his Canadian Beer. The Hunter Grain bar in his hand is missing an arm.)  
  
Benoit: (stops suddenly, happiness) They're in there!  
  
Jericho: Oh, Jesus, God. What have I gotten myself into? (opens door) For the Love of God!  
  
God: Yes?  
  
Jericho: Not, you, not now.  
  
God: (looks in the room) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???  
  
(We see Shaniqua and Rhyno, half dressed and making out. Both are drenched in blood)  
  
Jericho: She's a Vampire!  
  
Shaniqua: No, you subservient male! I'm Taker's twin sister!  
  
Benoit: (mutters and weep) It's happening again!  
  
(Jericho literally shoves Benoit into the room ahead of him, who stumbles. He curls into a ball in a corner of the room, in shock)  
  
Jericho: Oh, great! The big, bad Wolverine is a pussy!  
  
Rhyno: It's not his fault! He's just jealous, and mesmerized by her stunning beauty.  
  
Jericho: Ah, no. I don't think so.  
  
Rhyno: You are as well!  
  
Shaniqua: Let's get out of here, Rhyno. All these men are inferior, except for you. (licks his cheek, smearing the blood)  
  
Rhyno: (WAY beyond Rob happy)  
  
Jericho: God...?  
  
God: (stoned) What?  
  
Jericho: A little help?  
  
God: No, you were mean to me before!  
  
Rhyno: But I can't leave Benoit here, he's my friend!  
  
Shaniqua: Then what are we gonna do?  
  
(Hurricane walks by, strudel still in hand, staring at it in shock, still.)  
  
Jericho: Hurridork, come in here and help us out!  
  
Hurricane: (Drops strudel) Of course, Citizen Jericho, I can do anything!  
  
Jericho: (points to Benoit) Fix him.  
  
Hurricane: Um, ok. (looks around for a moment, pinches a small part of the strudel off and sticks it in Benoit's mouth, force chewing him.) That should work.  
  
Benoit: (suddenly snaps out of it.) Hey, that was pretty good. Did you make it?  
  
Hurricane: Why no, Citizen Benoit I didn't- (realization sets in) Oh, yeah. (picks up strudel in a trances and walks off.)  
  
Jericho: Hmm. Odd.  
  
Benoit: What is our agenda?  
  
Jericho: Um, kill Shaniqua?  
  
Benoit: Oh, yeah! (morphs into wolverine) RRRROOOOAAAARRRRR! (grabs Shaniqua and tears her in half.)  
  
Rhyno: NOOOO!!!! MY LOVE!!!! (weeps)  
  
Jericho: Hey, that was pretty cool. (looks at Benoit, who looks back)  
  
Both: Yeah! (high five each other) Super Chrises to the Rescue!  
  
(Hurricane is walking down the hall again, staring at the strudel. Slowly, he reaching towards it and picks off a tiny bug.)  
  
Hurricane: Yucky.  
  
(Slowly he takes a deliberate nibble, chewing very slowly before swallowing and taking another bite. By the time he passes the GM's office, it's about half gone. Suddenly the door bursts open and Steve is grinning at him, from what we can see, he's wearing only a little apron.)  
  
Steve: Hey, there, boy. You enjoy that strudel Eric 'n I made?  
  
(Hurricane just stares)  
  
Steve: Well, here, have another. We just made these. (holds up a cookie tray of them) Hell, take 'um all! And you can keep the pan. (shuts the door, but opens the it again.) Oh, yeah. Eric can't do his job tonight, because he's ill. (shuts the door again.)  
  
(Rosey walks down the hall and see's Hurricane, now in possession of 12 and a half strudels.)  
  
Rosey: (gasp) No, Hurricane, don't eat those! They might be poisoned! (runs up and dramatically knocks the pan from his grasp in slow-mo. Hurricane watches them in awe and horror as they fly through the air)  
  
Hurricane: (Wistfully) It's... too... late... (begins to fall, but Rosey catches him.)  
  
Rosey: NO! Hurricane, you can't die on me, you just can't!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Back at Hell)  
  
Taker: Damn it, Shaniqua! I told you never to come back to Hell!  
  
Shaniqua: You can't do anything to me, I'm you twin sister!  
  
Taker: But I CAN damn you to Heaven!  
  
(Heaven)  
  
(Shaniqua appears in a cloud of pink smoke)  
  
Shaniqua: Oh, damn.  
  
Rob: Dude! It's the Amazon! Welcome! (holds out a tray) Have some fudge! (hands her a joint instead)  
  
Shaniqua: My Daddy told me to say no to drugs!  
  
(she looks around. God, the DA's Cerrita and Phoenix, Rob, Three Angels, Kane, Ivory, Lucifer, Kurt, Hogan, Teddy Long, Shawn Michaels, Stephanie, Brock and his teddy Nancy Drew are all sitting around, a big cloud hovering over them- and it's not the Heavenly kind. They're all stoned, because of Rob. They're talking about Yellow Cowboy Hats.)  
  
God: Yeah- it's a freakin' possum.  
  
Stephanie: Yeah, and look at the color. It's just so... so...  
  
Hogan: Cool.  
  
Everyone: Yeah.  
  
Kurt: But not as cool as Milk. (proceeds to pour milk into the hat)  
  
Ivory: (takes the hat and puts it on) I'm a cowgirl, and Kane's my horsey! (gets on Kane's back, who stars galloping around)  
  
(Linda enters)  
  
Linda: What the-  
  
Stephanie: (puts a joint in her mouth) Cool, huh?  
  
Linda: (stoned) Cool...  
  
Shawn: Yeah, cool.  
  
Rob: (lights up a new joint) Hey, I bet I can smoke this whole joint in one breath!  
  
Everyone: Smoke it! Smoke it!  
  
(Draws on the whole thing, but burns his fingers on the end.)  
  
Rob: Yeah, I smoked it!  
  
Teddy: Dude, you smoked it! (everyone group hugs.)  
  
Rob: Yeah, I smoked it, man.  
  
Three Angels: Wow, this is the best day of our lives.  
  
Lucifer: Who the Hell are you?  
  
DA Phoenix: They're Snap, Crackle, and Pop! (laughs)  
  
Lucifer: Whatever. (turns to Brocks teddy bear Nancy Drew.) Hey, sexy. (throws his arm around her shoulders. Since she's not alive, she just falls against him. Brock stares in horror) I love you, Nancy.  
  
Brock: No! Nancy's my girlfriend! (pulls her back. Takes the yellow cowboy hat off Ivory's head and puts it on his own) I'm farmer Br- Farmer Crock!  
  
Lucifer: Nancy is not yours, she's mine! (fur puffs out like a hedgehog and growls)  
  
Brock: (like a hillbilly) I ain't skeered 'a you!  
  
(Brock and Lucifer proceed to have a tug-of-war with Nancy's arms. A cloud of black smoke suddenly appears and Taker walks out of it and over to the group)  
  
Taker: God Damn it! How come wherever I go, there's either an idiot or a stoner. Or both.  
  
DA's: Shaddup! (Phoenix flips him off, Cerrita motions 'up yours') Bitch!  
  
Taker: You wanna go?  
  
DA Phoenix: Yeah, we wanna go! (pause) Wait, I can't go with you. You're my uncle.  
  
Taker: What does that mean?  
  
DA Phoenix: I don't want no incest.  
  
Taker: You sick freak!  
  
DA Phoenix: No, you are!  
  
Kane: Don't call me a freak! (beings bawling)  
  
Ivory: (serious tone) Yeah, don't call him a freak, slut! (dreamily) No freak can do what he can... (passes out on top of Kane, who passes out, still crying)  
  
Taker: (pause, then shrugs his shoulder.) Ok! (turns to Brock and Lucifer) I gotta tell ya, I'm mighty curious to see how she feels about it. (points his fingers at Nancy, who is surrounded by dark sparkles for a moment before they vanish)  
  
Nancy: (preppy, little girl voice) What? Where am I?  
  
Brock: My Nancy's alive! (clings to Nancy and cries)  
  
Lucifer: YOUR HURTING HER!!! (kicks Brock off of her, and proceeds to kiss Nancy)  
  
Nancy: I love you... um...?  
  
Lucifer: Uh, Lucifer.  
  
Nancy: Right, Lucifer! (makes out with him)  
  
Brock: NANCYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Later on... no one is stoned)  
  
DA Phoenix: God damn it, why'd you have to take pictures?  
  
DA Cerrita: Well, I think you look cute!  
  
DA Phoenix: No, I look like a freakin' retard!  
  
God: (still stoned. puts an arm around each girl) Well, I think both you ladies look absolutely gorgeous!  
  
DA Phoenix: Scary. Get him off. Cerrita, get him off me NOW!  
  
(God suddenly clings to Cerrita)  
  
DA Cerrita: Get off.  
  
(God scurries away, holding what suspiciously looks like a sock in one hand.)  
  
DA Phoenix: Bizarre. (they go silent for a while) Now what?  
  
DA Cerrita: I dunno. Lets go see if Taker will let us throw darts at Evolution again.  
  
DA Phoenix: Yeah! (they leave)  
  
Lucifer: (wheels by, Nancy sitting on his lap) Come on, Nance, lets see what's going on next. (they leave, Brock crawling some distance behind them, wailing, foaming at the mouth with bloodshot eyes)  
  
Brock: (yells) I'LL GET YOU BACK, NANCY!!! I STILL LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU (caugh, caugh) UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- (screen goes dark.)  
  
.  
  
To be continued! 


	4. Miscellaneous Hilarious Crap 1

Miscellaneous Hilarious Crap 1  
  
(Plunk!)  
  
Hunter: OW!  
  
(Plunk!)  
  
Hunter: OW!! Damn it!  
  
DA Cerrita: No, I can get closer.  
  
(Plunk!)  
  
Randy: OWW!!! Hey, be careful! I need that thing!  
  
DA Phoenix: Um, no you don't. (pulls out the dull, rusty hacksaw. Like Scarface) Say 'ello to my leetle friend!  
  
Randy: AHHH!! NO!!  
  
Ric: (stoned) NO!! I need that thing too, dude.  
  
(Loooooooooooooong pause)  
  
Taker: Wait a minute. (throws dart. Ric starts laughing) ALL RIGHT!!! Who gave the old fart the joint???  
  
DA Phoenix: ROB!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Rob: What, dude? (holding a baby rattler) It's not my fault! He took it right out of my hand!  
  
DA Cerrita: Whatever. Kinda hard since his hands are TIED!!!  
  
Rob: Alright! Don't hurt me! I just couldn't let him not experience the joys of- (Taker hits him, and Rob flies across the room.) Owie.  
  
DA Phoenix: (looks at the darts in her hands.) Now this just isn't fun anymore, because of ROB! (throws the darts all a once. Several thuds are heard and Hunter screams)  
  
Hunter: MY EYE BALL!!!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Rock struts down the hall, giving the People's Eyebrow to everyone. He walks up to the GM's office, about to knock when he sees a tray lying on the floor, several strudels scattered around.)  
  
Rock: Now which Jabroni went and left thirteen perfectly good strudels lying on the floor?  
  
(He kneels down and gathers them all up, meticulously arranging them with perfection on the tray. He dust some dirt off a few, and gently pushes some into place.)  
  
Rock: There, perfect! (grabs one and savagely munches on it) Yum, yum! (takes the tray and walks off)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Trish and Lance are standing backstage, right before his match. He's wearing a Jericho hockey jersey)  
  
Trish: Now, remember to keep this shirt on at all times, so nobody sees it. (smooches Lance)  
  
Lance: 'K! (Goes out to his match with Spanky)  
  
(They wrestle for a while, Lance is not boring, but he's being a little to protective of The Shirt.)  
  
Spanky: Why do you have to wear that thing for the match? (knocks Lance on his butt)  
  
Lance: 'Cause I want to! (clothesline)  
  
Spanky: Just take it off! (dropkick)  
  
Lance: No! (punch, DDT)  
  
Spanky: That's it! (grabs the front of the shirt and rips it off. Everyone gasps and goes silent.)  
  
King: Why is Lance wearing a bra? He has no puppies!  
  
JR: Um, hell if I know.  
  
King: What's going on?  
  
JR: I don't know, but it looks like Spanky just fell over... dead?  
  
King: Well, Lance is going for the pin with that abomination to the Puppy Race strapped to his chest!  
  
JR: (looks scared) Riiiiiiiight.  
  
King: He got it, Lance won!  
  
(Jericho enters, approaches the announcers table to sit down. JR grabs his arm and pulls him to the middle chair)  
  
JR. Sit.  
  
King: Glad to have you commentating with us Chris.  
  
Jericho: Yeah, thanks.  
  
King: Good to have someone out here with as much Puppy respect as me!  
  
Jericho: Agreed.  
  
JR: (sigh) This is gonna be a long show.  
  
(backstage. Stacy is standing around with Steiner, waiting for Test, their 'legal master'.)  
  
Stacy: I hate him so much! I just know he's going to call me a bitch and a slut again!  
  
Steiner: Don't worry. I'll kick his ass if he does.  
  
(Test enters. Instead of his usual attire, he's now dressed as a Colonial Quaker. He's holding a little bible, and his hair is slicked back. All of his jewelry is gone, and is wearing only a little cross necklace. There is a very LONG silent moment between them. Stacy and Steiner look scared)  
  
Test: (points to Stacy's hair) That is a sin! (her blouse) That is a sin! (her skirt) That is a sin! (her shoes) That is a sin! (Steiner's arms) That is a sin! (his shirt) That is a sin! (his hair) That is a sin! (the lights overhead) That is a sin! (the camera) That is a sin! (the camera guy's earrings) That is a sin! (the camera guy in general) That is a sin!  
  
(Rock walks by, happily munching on a strudel)  
  
Test: (points to Rock) That is a sin! (to the strudels) That is a sin!  
  
Rock: (looks scared) What in the Blue Hell?  
  
Test: (holds up the little bible) This is NOT a sin!  
  
Stacy: Hey, you actually said something different.  
  
Test: (points to Stacy) That is a sin! (Rock sets the strudel tray down, breaks one in half, and sticks one half in Test's pointing hand. Test just stares at it.)  
  
Rock: (munches the second half.) Yummy. (walks off with the tray)  
  
Test: (staring in horror at the strudel) it is a sin. It is a sin. It IS a sin. It is a sin! IT IS A SIN! IT IS A SIN! (holds the strudel up to the sky. He drops it and grabs Stacy's shoulders.) IT IS A SIN!!! (she drops dead. He turns to Steiner and does the same thing) IT IS A SIN!!! (Steiner drops dead. Test looks skyward.) I AM A SIN!!! (walks off)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(The scene is a campsite. Maven and Al Snow are roasting Armageddon Marshmallows over the fire. A box of God Chex is between them, and they're happily munching.)  
  
God: IT'S ME! (gets teary eyed) I'd like to thank the Academy for this! Thank you Mom! Thank you Dad! (turns to DA's) Thank you, girls!  
  
DA Cerrita: Fol- God, you didn't win anything.  
  
God: (thinks) Damn!  
  
DA Phoenix: Back to Maven and (reluctantly) The Snowman.  
  
Maven: Hey, Snow. Whatever happened to Head?  
  
Al: Well, she wanted to pursue a career in modeling, and we parted ways. I sometimes get phone calls from her, but we haven't talked in a long time. Sometimes, though, I still hear her voice.  
  
(A deep growl fills the air)  
  
Maven: (scared) What was that?  
  
Al: Oh, it's probably Head. (gets up and yells for her.) HEAD!!!  
  
(Suddenly, a giant grizzly bear steps out in front of Maven.)  
  
Maven: Snow? (calls louder) Snow! (louder) SNOW!!!  
  
AL: WHAT??  
  
Maven: That wasn't Head.  
  
(Al turns around to yell back, but see's the bear and freaks out.)  
  
Al: AHHHHHHH! RUN!!!!!!  
  
(The two take off a top speed, the bear close behind and gaining. Just as Maven gets a lead, he suddenly trips over Al's outstretched foot. Snowman laughs and keeps going, climbing a very large tree. Maven is getting mauled while Snowman yells.)  
  
Al: HA! I got away! AND THERE'S NOTHING GOD CAN DO ABOUT IT!!!  
  
God: Oh, really? (a bright flash of light as lightning strikes the tree. Al's still sitting there, his body charred.)  
  
Al: Ow. (he falls out of the tree, dead, waking up in Hell.)  
  
Taker: (gothlike) Welcome to MY yard! (happily) Have some Undertaker Top Ramon!  
  
Al: Oh, shit!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(The scene is the GM's office. Steve is stroking Eric's hair, who's rocking back and forth, knees pulled up to his chest.)  
  
Steve: How the Hell did this happen?  
  
Eric: (childish) Stevie!  
  
Steve: You're a Goddamn kid again! How do you explain this?  
  
Eric: (blowing snot bubble)  
  
Steve: Exactly!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(scene is Hurricane's locker room. Rosey has dumped him unceremoniously on the couch, trying to wake him.)  
  
Rosey: Damn it! You can't die on me! I love you to much! And I haven't even learned to fly yet!!!  
  
(suddenly, under the door is illuminated by a bright white light that flows into the room and takes the shape of a Heavenly figure)  
  
Rosey: NO!!! Hurricane!!! Your spirit, don't leave me!!! (wails into his hands)  
  
Heavenly Figure: No, I am not Hurricane, I am the Divine Son of God.  
  
God: (thinking) Funny, I don't remember that.  
  
Heavenly Figure: (walks over to Hurricane, puts his hands on his forehead) Arise... damn, what was your name again?... Arise little dude!  
  
Rosey: Rob? (looks up, but the Heavenly figure is gone) I am blessed! (flies around the room)  
  
Hurricane: (holds his head) What a hangover. (looks at Rosey) What happened?  
  
Rosey: I tried to save you from those poisoned strudels, but I was to late, so an angel I'm guessing was Rob brought you back from the dead!  
  
Hurricane: WHAT??? I was never dead! Just... sleeping because of those strudels. (pause) Strudels... (whimper. Gets up) Where are they? I can't let some innocent passer by find them! (flies out)  
  
Rosey: Wait for me! (runs into the wall) Ow.  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Christian's locker room. Benoit and Jericho are with him, and all of them are eating Super Chrises Mac'n'Cheese.)  
  
Christian: Are you two listening to me?  
  
Benoit: Not really.  
  
Christian: I'm trying to tell you how I won this title from Booker. Listen Damn it!  
  
Jericho: Maybe later, or, never.  
  
Benoit: Anyway- Wasn't it great when I ripped Shaniqua in half?  
  
Jericho: It was the awsomist thing I'd ever seen! (they high five)  
  
Christian: EXCUSE ME! Intercontinental Champion OVER HERE!!! Edge and I used to be that close... (cries) I miss him so.  
  
Benoit: Whatever.  
  
(Suddenly, the room fills with bright white light, and the Heavenly Figure enters. Christian looks at him in awe.)  
  
Christian: Edge!?!  
  
Edge: Bro! How the Hell's it hangin', dude? Ever since I left, you've totally reaked of boringness. Yet you have the Championship. MY Championship.  
  
Christian: But your-  
  
Edge: Jesus? Yeah, isn't it cool?  
  
Christian: I wanna be powerful!  
  
Edge: Well, you can't because you suck. And you USED to be my little brother.  
  
Christian: Your disowning me?  
  
Edge: Pretty much, yeah.  
  
Christian: (whining, crying) But I don't wanna be disowned!  
  
Jericho: To bad, you whiny baby!  
  
Benoit: So, how long have you been Jesus?  
  
Edge: Ever since the last one retired and bought a home in the Bahamas. So, about six months.  
  
(Suddenly, God, the DA's, Spanky, Stacy, and Steiner enter the room. Steiner is wearing a 1920's style tux and a curly mustache.)  
  
God: (as Mel Brooks) 'Ello, boy-es!  
  
DA Phoenix: Hi, Chris! (flirts)  
  
Benoit: Dude, which one is she talking to?  
  
Jericho: Me, defiantly me.  
  
Benoit: But she's looking at me!  
  
Jericho: No, she's looking at me!  
  
Benoit: No, it's me. Do you want me to kick your ass to prove it?  
  
Jericho: Ah, finally the Benoit I used to know.  
  
Edge: Dudes, She's looking at Jericho, the other one is looking at you! (points to Benoit)  
  
Jericho: HA!  
  
Benoit: Which 'she' are we talking about again?  
  
Christian: The hot one. (both DA's smack him) OW! What was that for?  
  
DA Cerrita: Because we hate you in general.  
  
DA Phoenix: And your not nearly as hot as Jericho (sits next to him and leans her head on his shoulder. He has an unnaturally large smile)  
  
(Benoit looks at DA Cerrita, she stares back. They keep staring at each other for several minutes. Suddenly, Kurt walks into the room. Benoit looks at him and instantly morphs into a Wolverine.)  
  
Kurt: What the hell is that? (points to Benoit, who chases him out of the room into the hall. Suddenly a blood curdling scream is heard) MY LEG!!! YOU BASTARD, YOU BIT MY LEG OFF!!!  
  
(Benoit enters a few moments later, still as a wolverine, blood dripping from his mouth. He sits next to DA Cerrita.)  
  
DA Cerrita: Awww, that's a good wolverine. (pets his head. He purrs)  
  
Jericho: But wolverines don't purr. (Benoit growls at him.) Ok, I guess they do.  
  
(Cerrita pours a little bit of her sobe into her hand, and Benoit licks it out.)  
  
Cerrita: Ah, how cute! (he finishes the sobe and curls up in a ball on the couch, falling asleep.)  
  
Jericho: Damn it, he's to fat! (trying to push Benoit out of the way so he can sit down.) Damn, it's not working! (Cerrita changes Benoit back into a human again, and he's still curled up.)  
  
God: What did he do to Kurt?  
  
Edge: I'm guessing, by the screaming, Kurt lost his leg.  
  
DA Phoenix: Poor soldier. But who cares?  
  
Spanky: Should we go put him out of his misery?  
  
God: No, we'd better fix him. (looks at Spanky and Stacy) You two go.  
  
Stacy: But I HATE Kurt, he's always talking about those stupid medals. Like anyone really, like, cares.  
  
God: (big, scary voice) GO!  
  
Spanky: Ok! (grabs Stacy's arm and they exit)  
  
Jericho: Dude, what's up with them?  
  
Christian: Yeah, I heard they both died.  
  
Edge: Yeah, well, Spanky is my new brother, and Stacy's my sister. Jerry and Janet. We're the Christ Family!!!  
  
Christian: WHAT!? That sparkly, chocolate syrup-eating moron from Washington has replaced me?  
  
DA Cerrita: Now he's gone to far.  
  
DA Phoenix: That's it, do we fry him?  
  
DA Cerrita: Let me. (she points to Christian, who flashes with light and he instantly disappears, with only the IC belt laying on the floor.)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Hell)  
  
Christian: Where am I?  
  
Undertaker: Oh, this is gonna be fun!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Back at the locker room)  
  
Jericho: Alright, that explains Legs and Sparkles, but what about Freakzilla over there?  
  
Steiner: (with Russian accent) My name is Stalin, Joseph Stalin! Pleased to meet you!  
  
Jericho: But, weren't you evil and stuff?  
  
Steiner: Not that I recall. (looks at God, who shrugs. Stacy and Spanky come back in. Stacy's holding a pair of scissors and a red, white, and blue piece of ribbon. Kurt's weeping outside.)  
  
Stacy: (leaning real close to Jericho) Don't give him any ideas!  
  
God: Well, we have to get going. Heaven won't run itself.  
  
Spanky: But Socko was doing a good job when we left.  
  
God: Yeah, but you know how he is when he sees a pair of spandex. Besides, I miss being in charge of something. See you four later! (waves as the Christs and God disappear)  
  
DA Phoenix: (looking around) What now?  
  
Jericho: I know! (starts making out with her)  
  
Benoit: (wakes up) What happened?  
  
DA Cerrita: Shut up and cuddle.  
  
.  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
.  
  
To Be Continued! 


	5. Bubbles?

Bubbles...?  
  
(the scene is the arena parking lot. Eddie is waxing his white Mercedes Benz.)  
  
Eddie: Baby! You are so beautiful! (kisses the car's hood)  
  
Jericho: (waltzes in) Hey, Eddie Crap-erro! (looks at the car) Jesus Christ, what a piece of crap!  
  
(Eddie glares at him. Jericho walks over and kicks the tire. Eddie looks pissed.)  
  
Jericho: Well, no wonder! Not enough air in the tires. You know, Eddie, you don't take good care of your shit at all.  
  
Eddie: Hey, Essa, don't tell me how to treat Sheri! ¡Ella es una dama verdadera y ella sabe cómo que ella necesidades para ser tratadas! Usted no podría obtener a una chica como ella si ella era ciega, sorda y muda. ¡Usted no sabe cómo tratar a una mujer, porque usted es una vida baja, el ego hinchado, la cabeza arriba su como, el idiota que podría obtener a una mujeres si su vida lo dependió de! {She's a real lady and she knows how she wants to be treated! You couldn't get a girl like her if she was blind, deaf and dumb. You don't know how to treat a woman, because you are a low life, ego inflated, head up your ass, idiot who couldn't get a women if his life depended on it!} You got to respect my Sheri, homes!  
  
Jericho: What the frig? (Eddie jumps him with the tire iron.)  
  
Eddie: ¡La ramera! {Bitch!} (Blood is everywhere, both men are beat up and just laying on the ground. Jericho gets the last punch in just as DA Phoenix enters.)  
  
DA Phoenix: WHAT THE HELL! Jericho, I told you NEVER to lay a hand on one of my homies! That's it! WE'RE OVER! (kicks him and walks off. He cries, and Eddie laughs at him, crawling into Sheri and driving off.  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(An unmarked locker room. Lots of yelling is coming through the door.)  
  
Sylvan: Mom, don't tell us what to do! We're grown men!  
  
Renee: Yeah, if we want to sneak out of the house to go to a gay party together, we're allowed to!  
  
A-Train: Don't give me that! If you live in our house, you'll live by our rules! And I'm cutting your allowances!  
  
Renee: But, that's not fair! You're not my real parents!  
  
A-Train: Shut up! I am your MOTHER, Damn it!  
  
Sylvan: (pause) He's my... brother?  
  
Renee: We're related?  
  
A-Train: YES!!!  
  
Renee: EWW! I did my brother!  
  
Sylvan&Renee: (pause) But I still love you anyways! (hug)  
  
A-Train: I give up!  
  
(the door opens, Big show enters carrying a Wal-Mart ( shopping bag. Behind him are Sable and Vince)  
  
Big Show: Hi, honey. I'm back!  
  
A-Train: Good, dear. Did you get everything on the list?  
  
Show: Yeah, I remembered everything, even his damn pull-ups. (Rob Conway goes running by, wearing only WWE pull-ups with the Super Chrises pictures on them. Big Show watches him go by.) That idiot better learn to use the toilet soon. These damn things are expensive. That's why I had to take a second job as Vince's Body Guard.  
  
Vince: (shakes his head) And here I was thinking MY family was fucked up.  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Steve is running down the hall, wearing only the jean shorts.)  
  
Steve: ERIC!!! GET YER ASS BACK HERE NOW!!!  
  
Eric: Nononononono!! (keeps running) I don' wanna! (sees DA Phoenix and Sean O'Haire talking on the couch in the cafeteria. He rushes in and clings to Sean's leg.)  
  
O'Haire: What the Hell? (looks at Eric) Get off me!  
  
(DA Phoenix suddenly gets up, not wanting anything to do with Eric and walks over to the 'fridge. She pulls out some Chinese leftovers and proceeds to heat them up in the microwave. Sean looks scared, quietly trying in vain to pry Eric off his leg. Steve entered shortly thereafter.)  
  
DA Phoenix: God damn it! Stupid microwave, HEAT UP MY YUMMY NOODLES!  
  
Sean: A little help here...?  
  
(without warning, DA Phoenix picks up the microwave and hurls it at Sean and Eric. The two stop and stare, wide-eyed in horror, Sean thinking of what might have happened if the appliance was an inch closer.)  
  
Sean: Well the least you could have done was hit him in the face!  
  
DA Phoenix: I WOULD HAVE IF ERIC HAD A BIG RED TARGET PAINTED ON HIM! (she storms out of the cafeteria)  
  
Sean: (whimpering) Get off... (Eric, still clinging to his leg, looks up at Sean with bright eyes and a toothy grin, drooling at the corner of his mouth.)  
  
Steve: You know, you have a match against D-Von Dudley in an hour.  
  
Sean: SHIT! I have to get ready! (darts off down the corridor, dragging Eric as he goes. He walks to a dressing room, hitting his head on the door frame and stumbling in, passing out on the floor.)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Hurricane is still teaching Rosey how to fly in the training room)  
  
Hurricane: No, you have to throw yourself forward. And you have to LOVE THE AIR! You're not loving the air!  
  
Rosey: But I am!  
  
Hurricane: Well, not enough, I suppose.  
  
(Kevin Nash enters with a grim expression)  
  
Nash: (to Rosey) What are you looking at?  
  
Hurricane: Citizen Nash, why so upset? Do you need help?  
  
Nash: Yeah, I need help so I can kick Rob's happy ass!  
  
Hurricane: Well, I suppose we can make you a superhero...  
  
Rosey (alarmed) You have to be our servant first!  
  
Hurricane: No, he can kick some ass with us. Ok, but we'll have to give you a name.  
  
Rosey: How about Super Second!  
  
Nash: (bored) That is the gayest name for a superhero I've heard in my entire life.  
  
Hurricane: No, we have to use his name, Kevin, and make it rhyme with something.  
  
Nash: (possessed look) When I get my hands on that stoned retard, I will dispose of him in the cruelest of ways..  
  
Hurricane: THAT'S IT!  
  
Rosey: What's it?  
  
Hurricane: CRUEL! Only spelled K-r-o-o-l. Krool Kevin!  
  
Nash: (bored) Ok. So I'm now Krool Kevin... Wonderful.  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Sean O'Haire wakes up. He's ready for his match, but is laying on a cheetah print couch, Eric, sleeping, is still clinging to his leg. He hears someone giggle, but dismisses it as his imagination. He looks at his watch and realizes its time for his match, so with a sleeping Eric, stumbles down to arena area.)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(The three Dudleys are already in the ring, Bubba and Spike are ringside. Sean enters and immediately the audience, Earl Hebner, the Dudleys, King and JR, pretty much everybody is laughing. Lillian just drops the mic, Earl is NOW having a heart attack, etc.)  
  
King: OH MY GOD SEAN O'HAIRE KILLED EARL HEBNER!  
  
JR: YOU BASTARD!  
  
(The audience near the announce table looks up at JR and King in confusion and fear. Meanwhile, Sean is looking all around to find what everyone is laughing at. Suddenly. Sean glances at his right shoulder. Eric is RIGHT there, playing with his hair.)  
  
Sean: AHHHHH!!!! GET AWAY!  
  
Eric: PRETTY!  
  
(Eric rips a clump of Sean's dyed pink, braided, beaded, and hair tied up like Princess Lea's from his skull. Sean's eyes go wide. With reflex, he jumps back and immediately morphs into a boxer dog. Eric runs away screaming, holding the clump of hair in his hand. Even in his morphed form, Sean has a patch of bare skin on his head where the hair was ripped out.)  
  
Spike: DOGGIE!!! Bubba, can I keep him, please, please, please?  
  
Bubba: I don't care.  
  
D-Von: He can be our mascot! (blows bubbles with bubble maker stick.)  
  
Bubba: Sure, but he smells.  
  
Spike: Then we'll give him a bath!  
  
D-Von: A BUBBLE bath!  
  
Bubba: And I can play with Mr. Bubbles! (pulls out a little camouflage rubber duckie and cuddles it. Spike proceeds to stick his American Flag, with a rubber duckie on top instead of an eagle, in the turnbuckle while D- Von picks up Sean, still a boxer, and carries him backstage.)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Shawn Michaels and Molly Holly are talking)  
  
Molly: Are you ready for our match?  
  
Shawn: Yup, lets get out there! (they turn to leave, and see Kane walk around the corner, reading from a book called 'Britannica Book of Witches, Warlocks and Fire')  
  
Kane: Um... Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang! (A fog surrounds Shawn and Molly, which dissipates a moment later. They look normal.) Oh, good, it didn't do anything. (He looks back at the book) Oh, oops. (leaves quickly)  
  
Molly [Shawn's soul]: Oh, good! Nothing happened! (stops to think) Oh, damn! We're switched!  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: (monotone) Kane is so gonna die.  
  
Molly [Shawn's soul]: (looks down) Cool. (begins massaging Molly's breasts)  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: Ewww! Don't touch my pure and wholesome body!  
  
Molly [Shawn's soul]: Excuse me while I take a quick bathroom break. (beings walking towards the ladies room.)  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: Don't you even dare! (grabs her shoulders. They look into each others eyes for at least a minute. Suddenly, Molly kisses Shawn.) EWWW!! Get off me! (shoves her away) Jackass. (walks off very feminine like)  
  
Molly [Shawn's soul]: But, Molly, I love you!  
  
Rock: (walks by, still with the damn strudels) What in the Blue Hell?  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: Shawn, you stay a way from me you perverted pig! Don't you dare touch my (looks down) chiseled and studly body! (leaves)  
  
Rock: Poor Molly. (puts an arm around her) Come with The Rock and The Rock's strudels and we'll make you feel all better.  
  
Molly [Shawn's soul]: (scared) get away from me!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Dudley's locker room. Sean is being given a bubble bath by Spike and Bubba. D-Von is blowing more bubbles.)  
  
Spike: Hey, guess where he's got a dot!  
  
Bubba: Where? (looks around)  
  
Spike: On his wood!  
  
D-Von: Cool! Then he needs a new name!  
  
Spike: I know! General Dots!  
  
(Sean moos like a cow in protest)  
  
Bubba: Wow, cool! Do it again General Dots!  
  
(Sean moos)  
  
Spike: He can do a trick!  
  
(They finish his bubble bath, and Sean doesn't look to happy about things. Spike puts him in a pair of WWE pullups with Los Guerrero's pictures on them.)  
  
Bubba: Awwwww... He's so cute! And his hair is so silky!  
  
Spike: Don't worry about a thing General Dots, we'll keep you forever and ever and ever and ever-  
  
(Sean moos)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(we see a strange guy, who looks about 22, walking down the hall. He's wearing a black t-shirt, blue tracksuit pants, training shoes, partly died spiked hair, brown eyes, and light stubble on his chin. A leather jacket is slung over his shoulder. He turns the corner and see DA's Cerrita and Phoenix.)  
  
DA Cerrita: Oh, hi BannonLuke. How's it going?  
  
DA Phoenix: Hey, sexy. (bats eyelashes. Cerrita smacks her arm.) What?!?  
  
Luke: Just hanging out, terrorizing Superstars in general.  
  
DA Cerrita: Cool. How long are you staying?  
  
Luke: Until Molly marries me.  
  
DA Phoenix: Huh? Whatever.  
  
DA Cerrita: (suppress laughter) Well, I doubt she'll agree to that. (DA's start laughing, thinking about Shawn and Molly's predicament.)  
  
Luke: What's so funny? (they don't answer) Damn it, then I'm going to find her right now! (walks off)  
  
DA Cerrita: (they look at each other) Um, not a good idea man!  
  
DA Phoenix: WAY not a good idea! (they follow Luke around the corner to where Rock is trying to cuddle with Molly's body, which is now housing HBK's soul.)  
  
Rock: Now, let The Rock tell you this, (points at Molly to emphasize his point, but he's holding a strudel in that hand and is pretty much waving it at her) Well, The Rock be damned! That IS the point! (clears throat and sets the strudel with the tray on a table. 11 now remains of the original 13.)  
  
Luke: (staring in horror) No, not Molly! MY Molly! (turns to DA's accusingly) You both read my fic 'WWE Goes to Jurassic Park' didn't you?  
  
DA Cerrita: Kinda, sorta. (shifty eyes)  
  
Luke: (suddenly pulls a rather large samurai sword from nowhere.) That does it, Rock! I'm going to kill your strudel-loving ass, and Molly will be mine!!!  
  
(Rock looks up from his ogling of Molly's 'pure and wholesome' body and sees Luke.)  
  
Rock: Luke... Bannon... BANNONLUKE! You're the one responsible! It was YOU that sent me to that island with the freaky lizards, and made me be a lowly merry man in Robin Hood, and-  
  
(Rock continues to rattle on. Luke, the DA's, and 'Molly' all stare in shock at Rob as he walks by, still in the dread locks and tie-dye shirt. He sees the strudels and stops, sticking his joint back behind his ear. He picks up the tray, holds it up to his face, and inspects them closely. After a minute, he nods in approval, gives the group the 'thumbs up', and walks off with the strudels.)  
  
Rock: ARE ANY OF YOU LISTENING TO ME!?!?!?!?!?!?  
  
DA Phoenix: No, not really.  
  
Rock: Well, that does it! You can't make me be in any of these stupid fics again! YOU HERE ME??? STUPID!!!  
  
DA Cerrita: Did he just insult Luke?  
  
Luke: (lowers the sword) I believe he did.  
  
DA Phoenix: Now he dies. (holds up hands to blast the People's Champ into the People's Dust, but Cerrita stops him.)  
  
DA Cerrita: No! We can't do that. As much fun as it would be to see that. And Taker would appreciate the 'gift'.  
  
Rock: Thank you... I think... I mean, he even had me do IT with that bitch! (points first to Luke, then Molly)  
  
Luke: Now THAT was to far! (picks up the sword again and prepares to lop off the Rock's head.)  
  
DA Cerrita: (stands in front of and points to Rock) I hereby damn you with the Super Ultimate Curse! (lots of gasping from nowhere)  
  
Rock: What in the blue hell is that?  
  
DA Phoenix: (in shock) You'll find out. (makes Rock disappear to another location in the building)  
  
Molly [Shawn's soul]: Thank you so much! (hugs Luke)  
  
Luke: (spins her around and holds the sword up to her throat. Takes a few moment to notice her shirt's... low-cuttedness) Who are you and what have you done with the real Molly?  
  
Molly [Shawn's soul]: Hey, it's not my fault! Kane worked some kind of freaky Devil Voodoo and we just POOF, switched bodies! (waves her hands around to emphasize his point)  
  
Luke: So, where's Molly?  
  
Molly [Shawn's soul]: She took off that way with my body about five minutes ago!  
  
Luke: (lets go) Now what am I gonna do? (sits down dejectedly)  
  
DA Phoenix: Well, since Kane and Rock have seriously blown the cool mood, how about becoming a Divine Author while we try to fix this mess?  
  
DA Cerrita: Yeah, and you can have pretty much anything you want.  
  
Luke: (perks up) Really? Anything? (looks at 'Molly', who swallows nervously)  
  
DA Cerrita: Yeah, we can give you a harem of scantly dressed Molly Look- alikes whose soul purpose is to serve your every need.  
  
Luke: (Rob like hyper) Ok!!!  
  
(POOF! Suddenly, twelve Molly's, all of them dressed in clothes that would have made Sable jealous, surround Luke.)  
  
DA Phoenix: And if you want, you can pick a wrestler or two for personal slaves. Anyone of your choosing.  
  
Luke: Hmmmm, so many choices, I don't know who to pick...  
  
DA Cerrita: Take all the time you need. I'm sure these ladies would love to make you comfortable while you think, right? (Molly look-alikes enthusiastically agree)  
  
Luke: I could get used to this DA thing. (leaves down the hall with the look-alikes following him lovingly.)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Hell. Taker is shooting fiery spitballs at Evolution.)  
  
Hunter: What have we done to deserve this. (a spitball hits him) AHHHHH!!!!! MOMMY!!!  
  
(Kane enters. He looks a little nervous)  
  
Kane: Um, bro, can I talk to you?  
  
Taker: What the Hell's it about, boy?  
  
Kane: (VERY fidgety) Well, I was reading that book that you bought me for Christmas, and, well, I kinda made a little boo boo. (holds fingers a few millimeters apart to emphasize his point.) Very little.  
  
Taker: (getting pissed.) Alright, what did you fuck up this time? TELL ME!!!  
  
Kane: AHH!! Ok! Well, I kinda (way fast) wentandaccidentallyswitchedMollyandShawn'sbodiesandIdon'tknowwhereMollywent soIcan'tfixitanddon'tbemadandit'snotmyfault!!!  
  
Taker: (very calm) Let me... get this... straight. You took Shawn Michaels' soul and replaced it with Molly's. (Kane nods) And you also put HBK's soul into our sisters' body? (Kane nods again. Taker looks calm, but suddenly lets out an earth shattering yell.) RRRRRAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! THEN GO BACK UP THERE AND FIX IT!!! (Grabs Kane's shirt) And you'd better hurry, or I'm burning that pile of 'special' magazines in your bedroom!  
  
Kane: (cowers in fear, then jumps back to leave. But his shirt, still in Taker's iron grip, tearing it to shreds- that's why he goes shirtless now... *DA's take a moment to drool*) Ok! (scurries out just as Rico enters)  
  
Rico: Hey there, bro. You seen Satan around anywhere?  
  
Kane: Yeah, but stay away from Taker, he's in one of his bitchy moods.  
  
Rico: Gotcha!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Dudley's locker room)  
  
Spike: Come on, General Dots! Lets go for a walk!  
  
D-Von: Where's his leash?  
  
Bubba: I left it in the hall, let me get it. (walks into the hall and picks up a pink ribbon off a chair as the DA's walk by.)  
  
DA Phoenix: Hey, Bubba, what's up?  
  
Bubba: Just getting ready to take our new doggie for a walk!  
  
DA Phoenix: Awwww, can I see it?  
  
Bubba: Sure, come on in.  
  
(They all enter. Spike is busy brushing General Dots' hair while D-Von is trying to put little booties on his feet. Dots is mooing continuously)  
  
DA Cerrita: Ugh, I hate dogs.  
  
DA Phoenix: I think he's adorable! (begins petting him. He looks at her and starts whimpering.) Odd, he's missing a patch of fur.  
  
DA Cerrita: Weird. That's the same spot Sean O'Haire was missing hair, too.  
  
DA Phoenix: OH MY GOD!!! YOU TURNED O'HAIRE INTO A DOG???  
  
Spike: Who?  
  
DA Cerrita: Funny spider guy, Smackdown.  
  
D-Von: Oh, yeah! (points to Dots) That's him?  
  
DA Phoenix: Yes! (Dots begins barking excitedly, jumps up and starts pawing at her) Here you go!  
  
(Phoenix points at him and he morphs back into a human. He's kneeling in front of her, his hands on her puppies)  
  
DA Phoenix: (stares at him for a minute, then pets his head.) Good boy! But I didn't know you were this excited. (pushes him off.)  
  
DA Cerrita: What the frig is he doing in WWE pull-ups? (Dudley's look nervous and edge away)  
  
O'Haire: (looks down) AHHHHH! (covers himself and runs into the bathroom)  
  
Spike: No doggie. (sniffle)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Cafeteria. Kane runs in, Lucifer in his wheelchair closely behind with the Britannica book on his lap. HBK is looking over the tofu selection.)  
  
Kane: I'm so glad I found you! (gives Shawn's body a hug)  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: Ewwww, get away from me, freak!  
  
Lucifer: (wheels up) Damn it! He's not a goddamn freak!  
  
Kane: Yeah!  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: So what do you want from me?  
  
Kane: I've got to switch you and HBK back to normal, and I can't find him.  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: Well you better find him soon, brother. Hell knows what he's doing with my pure and wholesome body! Can't you just switch us right now?  
  
Kane: No, you both need to be near each other, or it won't work! Have you seen him?  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: No, he tried to molest me and I left.  
  
Lucifer: Damn! That causes all kinds of trouble for us, girl, can't you get anything right?  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: I'm being bitched out by my little brother's pet teddy bear?  
  
Lucifer: Look who's talking, bitch! And I ain't nobody's pet! (tries to flip her off, but his paws don't allow it, so it looks more like he's shaking his fist at her.)  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: And what the Hell is that suppose to mean? (Lucifer glares)  
  
Kane: Please, you two stop fighting! I need to fix this quick!  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: Well, I don't know where he went, but maybe someone else knows.  
  
Kane: 'K! I'll go look! (races off)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Ivory is walking down the hallway, talking with Nancy Drew, who's on her shoulder wearing a white dress and gold wings)  
  
Nancy: God, Brock is this, like, big jerk and I so hate him!  
  
Ivory: Have you told him to leave you alone?  
  
Nancy: Yeah, but he doesn't listen. He just starts foaming at the mouth and mumbling something about teddy bear picnics and porn. What should I do?  
  
Ivory: Well, if you really love Lucifer, then just go with him, screw Brock!  
  
Nancy: I'm trying to avoid that.  
  
Ivory: Wha- no, I mean, so what if Brock doesn't like it? Taker brought you to life so you can make your own choices. Brock's a jackass anyway.  
  
Nancy: Yeah, you're right.  
  
(Kane sees them and runs up, out of breath)  
  
Kane: Ivory, have you seen Sha- Molly?  
  
Ivory: Yeah, I have.  
  
Kane: Where is she? It's urgent!  
  
Ivory: Kane, what's going on? You've ignored me all day. Even when I asked if you wanted flaming dumpster sex, you didn't answer!  
  
Kane: You asked for flaming dumpster sex? I don't remember that!  
  
Ivory: See, that's what I mean! I'm not talking to you until you make up for ignoring me!  
  
Kane: But... but... what do I have to do for that? Tellmetellmetellme pleasepleaseplease!  
  
Ivory: I'm not telling you where Molly is until you doing something cute and sweet!  
  
Kane: But what am I gonna do? (starts to panic and looks around, thinking. Suddenly he stops and smiles. He gets down on one knee)  
  
Ivory & Nancy: What the? (confused)  
  
Kane: Ivory, will you marry me?  
  
AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!  
  
Ivory: (in shock) Of course! (they start making out. Nancy gets scared and jumps down.)  
  
Nancy: Um, what about Kane looking for Molly?  
  
Ivory: Oh, yeah! She's in her locker room with Gail.  
  
Kane: Ok, see you later My Flaming Heart! (kisses her before leaving. Ivory and Nancy walk off. Hiding in the shadows a little ways away, glaring at where they were standing, is a short blond figure with large puppies.)  
  
Terri: No, I want Kane! (stalks out after Ivory)  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Molly and Gail's locker room. Gail is talking about Eric's bedroom performance, and Molly is staring transfixed at her chest.)  
  
Gail: I mean, it was so teeny, it's a wonder it stands up at all.  
  
Molly [Shawn's soul]: Uh, huh. (drool)  
  
Gail: Molly, are you Ok? (Molly jumps on top of Gail and kisses her) AHHHH!!! GET OFF ME YOU LESBIAN PERV!!!! (pushes her off and runs away)  
  
Molly [Shawn's soul]: Damn!  
  
(Suddenly, Kane enters)  
  
Kane: Shawn! Thank God I found you!  
  
God: No problem, dude!  
  
Kane: (looks up) Shut up!  
  
God: Girls, he's making fun of me!  
  
DA's: So?  
  
Molly [Shawn's soul]: I outta kick your ass, you big red RETARD!!! Look at what you've done! I'll never be a Sexy Boy again!  
  
Kane: Oh, shut up and follow me! (grabs Molly by the waist and carries her out of the room kicking and screaming. Rosey sees this and strikes a superhero pose)  
  
Rosey: Halt there, citizen! How dare you lay your hands on an innocent bystander like Pure and Wholesome Molly!  
  
(Kane turns around and glares at Rosey, who bursts into flames. Kane leaves with Molly while Hurricane flies in to put the flames out. Krool Kevin, dressed in a cheesy neon orange knockoff of Hurricane's uniform, runs after Kane. Suddenly, the Christ Family appears. Edge [Jesus] stands in the front with his arms stretched out. Spanky [Jerry] and Stacy [Janet] stand behind him in the same stance, each singing Heavenly music, while Rob Zombie's 'Never Gonna Stop' plays in the background.)  
  
(Krool Kevin hits an invisible force field and falls on his ass.)  
  
Kevin: Damn it!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Back in the cafeteria. Lucifer and Shawn are on an insult spree.)  
  
Lucifer: Pure and wholesome my ASS!! Don't think I didn't see that little stunt you pulled with the Blood Lords last week! Not to mention the time you spent with Ric and Randy! (Super Chrises walk in at that very moment, hearing Lucifer's comments. Benoit looks confused and Jericho is smirking. They grab some Spin-a-Roni and leave quickly.)  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: WHAT!!! You'll never prove that!  
  
Lucifer: Oh, yeah? (holds up several pictures)  
  
Shawn [Molly's soul]: (Gasp) you wouldn't...  
  
Lucifer: Oh yes I would!  
  
(Kane enters with Molly)  
  
Kane: STOP IT!!! You're giving me a headache!  
  
Lucifer: And we know what happens when you get headaches. I still haven't forgiven you for blowing up my Jacuzzi. (pouts)  
  
Kane: Here! (Stands Molly and Shawn together. Shawn looks ready to kill Molly, who grabs his shoulders and plants a big one on his lips. They start making out. Kane gives them the People's eyebrow and whispers) Whatever. (pulls out his little Britannica Book of Witches, Warlocks, and Fire) Um, how does this go again? Uhhhhh... Bibbity, Bobbity, Boo!  
  
(A fog surrounds Shawn and Molly, and goes away, leaving Shawn and Molly still making out)  
  
Kane: Um, Molly? (no answer) Molly? (still no answer) MOLLY!!!  
  
Molly: What???  
  
Kane: I thought you hated him.  
  
Molly: Well, I changed my mind!  
  
Shawn: Hey, we're switched back. (drops to his knees) I'M A SEXY BOY AGAIN!!!  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
(Hell. Rico and Undertaker are arguing)  
  
Rico: Please, Taker! Please let me borrow the blood lords!  
  
Taker: No way!  
  
Rico: I'll give you a back rub-  
  
Taker: Hell no!  
  
Rico: But I wanna borrow them for my tea party with Barney and the Teletubbies!  
  
Taker: The only reason you have those... those... things are because they're to evil for us to use in Hell...  
  
Hunter: Guys, we gotta get out of here!  
  
Randy: Yeah, all this heat is making my acne act up.  
  
Ric: Really? I was just starting to enjoy Hell.  
  
Hunter: I've been looking around, and I saw a cave nearby that Kane's been using to sneak out at night.  
  
Randy: Cool, lets get going! The sooner I get back in Ric's bed, the better.  
  
Hunter: (thinking) He didn't say that, tell me he didn't just say that...  
  
Ric: I don't think this is a good idea-  
  
Randy: Let's go! (they make a dash for the cave, still dressed up as women, and race out. Taker sees them leave)  
  
Taker: (shrugs) Oh, well. They'll be back.  
  
Hunter: I see light!  
  
(they rush through the door into the hallway, pausing to catch they're breaths. Ric looks around in awe)  
  
Ric: Guy's, look! (Jeff and Lita walk by, they stop and stare in confusion) I told you! If we ever left Hell, we'd be in FLAIRY LAND!!!  
  
.  
  
~*`*~*`*~  
  
.  
  
To be continued (grin) 


	6. It's True! It's True! no Just no

... It's True! It's True!...? ... No. Just no.  
  
(When we left off, Evolution had just escaped the fiery bowels of Hell and reached the surface. Or had they?)  
  
Ric: See? It's Flairy Land! We're never getting back to the real world again!  
  
Hunter: Flair, you're never in the real world.  
  
Randy: What's Flairy Land?  
  
Ric: It's a magical place where the Flairy Fairies live.  
  
(long pause)  
  
Hunter: All those chair shots really left they're mark, didn't they?  
  
Lita: What's he talking about?  
  
Ric: My Lady! Forgive them! They don't recognize the God and Goddess of Flairy Land when they're standing before us! (beings bowing to Lita and Jeff)  
  
Randy: (gasp) Spare me Goddess! (bowing)  
  
Jeff: Yup, only slightly more demented than usual.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(Heaven. Luke is being fawned over by the Mollys, and the DA's are lounging nearby.)  
  
DA Phoenix: God Damn it! It's boring here!  
  
God: Don't take my name in vain!  
  
DA Cerrita: Let's go visit Hell.  
  
DA Phoenix: No, it's boring down there too now that Evolution is gone. (weeps)  
  
Booker T: (arrives in a poof of smoke. There are two women with him.) Can you dig it, Sucka! Look at these two fine ladies I got with me! (we see that the two 'ladies' are actually Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilera!)  
  
DA Phoenix: What the frig? Why are those two here?  
  
Rob: (stoned) I like blue unicorns.  
  
Luke: (sees Brittany) Fear! (hides behind the Mollys, cowering)  
  
Christina: (perky) Hi! You're cute!  
  
Luke: AHH!! Get away! (Mollys stand in protective stance)  
  
Brittany: Your, like so right, Christina! Let's, like, hit on him, like, big time.  
  
Luke: If either of you get any closer, I'll summon the Super Ultimate Curse (lots of gasping from everyone nearby)  
  
DA Cerrita: Um, can't.  
  
Luke: Why not?  
  
DA Phoenix: We already used it on Rocky, and it needs time to charge. (Luke looks confused) It's a big curse.  
  
Luke: Damn! (Brittany and Christina strutting over) If I can't impose the Super Ultimate Curse (gasps from everyone) Then I'll put you in a match- against, um, Ivory and Trish! Yeah, a tag team first death match! First team to have a member die looses.  
  
Christina: This will be so easy!  
  
Brittany: Yeah, the other girls will be, like, so distracted by their, like, jealously!  
  
Christina: Totally!  
  
Booker: (staring at Brittany and drooling) Now, can you dig that, Sucka!!!  
  
(Christian enters with a poof of smoke. Eric races out after him and dives at his leg, effectively clinging to it. He's still holding the clump of Sean's hair in his hand.)  
  
Christian: This, like, so totally reeks of uncoolness! (points to leg. Eric blows raspberries at him, then giggles)  
  
God: So, what about?  
  
Christian: How am I supposed to show off my reeking of coolness with this... this... reekazoid on my incredibly hot leg?  
  
DA Cerrita: Well, what does Eric have to say on the matter? (looks at Eric)  
  
Eric: Mommy! (Cerrita jumps back in fear)  
  
DA Cerrita: You'd better not mean me!  
  
Eric: Mommy! (points up at Christian) Mommy! Mommy!  
  
DA Phoenix: Awww, Christian had a baby.  
  
Christian: What? No, that's so totally uncool! (sees Brittany, completely forgets what he was arguing about) Wow, you are so, like, reeking of hotness!  
  
Booker: Oh, no you don't, dawg! Tell me he did not just say that!  
  
Brittany: Wow, you so totally reek of manliness!  
  
DA Phoenix: I think he did.  
  
Luke: ALL OF YOU LEAVE!!! Booker, take that Devil incarnate and go. She and Aguilera have a match. Christian, take you 'son' and get out of my sights before I catch you on fire!  
  
(Lucifer wheels by at top speeds, being nothing more than a blur. We can kind of see a figure with him wearing a white dress and wings. Brock crawls by moments later, foaming at the mouth and dirty. About three weeks dirty. Everyone covers their noses and backs away.)  
  
Brock: Nancy! I'll save you! I won't let that evil teddy kidnap you! (sees Luke and begins crawling towards him. Luke picks up a stick and starts jabbing it towards Brock to keep him away.)  
  
Luke: No. Just no.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(Raw arena. Brittany and Christina are at their corner, playing with their hair and being ditsy. Christian is with them, acting pretty much the same. Booker is also there, fawning over Brittany. The Christs are sitting in the front row with Steiner Stalin.)  
  
Edge: I'm so glad he's not my brother any more.  
  
(Ivory and Trish enter the ring, and the match begins. Ivory and Brittany start off. Brittany strikes a pose to intimidate Ivory, who doesn't buy it and kicks her in the gut and delivers a DDT. Brittany crawls around in a daze while Ivory tags in Trish. She grabs the singer and choke slams her, then delivers a modified Angle slam followed by a spear. Trish wraps her arms around Brittany's waist and lifts her for a Suplex over the top rope, but looses her balance and falls, dropping the blond singer.  
  
(The audience erupts in sound, half being screaming and the other half cheering, ends up being mostly cheering. Trish turns around and sees what happened. Brittany was suplexed onto Spikes rubber duckie American Flag. Christian and Booker are holding each other and crying.)  
  
Trish: Um, oops?  
  
(Chyna's music plays and she walks down to the ring with the general attitude of a bitch. She seems to look a lot like Cher.)  
  
Chyna: (yelling) CHRISTINA!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!! I WILL SACRIFICE YOU TO MY DARK GOD!!!  
  
(Christina looks at Chyna in fear, then jumps into Booker's arms, who drops her)  
  
Booker: You ain't Brittany, dawg! (weeps)  
  
Christs & Steiner Stalin: CHYNA! CHYNA! CHYNA!  
  
(Jazz's music plays and she enters.)  
  
Jazz: Get out of my ring! You ain't near the woman I am!  
  
Chyna: Well, duh! I got a sex change operation!  
  
(cricket chirps)  
  
Christian: But you, like, look totally like Cher.  
  
Chyna: Well, it BACKFIRED!!! (Christian cowers in fear. Eric is drooling on his tights.  
  
Jazz: I'm top woman on this show, and if anyone is going to sacrifice that girly-girl, it's gonna be me!  
  
(large crevasse opens up at the base of the ramp. Hot lava bubbles just below the surface.)  
  
Chyna: Damn it, no! I'm making my return debut with his sacrifice!  
  
(both 'women' grab hold of Christina, pulling on her arms forcefully. In the process they lift her up and pretty much double choke slam her into the crevasse, which quietly closes like it wasn't ever there. Chyna and Jazz stare in silence.)  
  
Chyna: Um, cool.  
  
Jazz: Yeah. (turns to Chyna) Sex change operation, huh?  
  
Chyna: (still staring where crevasse was) Yeah.  
  
Jazz: Seeing anyone?  
  
Chyna: Nope.  
  
Jazz: Do ya think that maybe...  
  
Chyna: (turns to Jazz) Sure!  
  
(Camera shot changes to Christ family. Edge is staring in shock. Spanky has passed out. Stacy is covering her eyes. Steiner Stalin looks scared.)  
  
Edge: Now, that's not right.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(Hell, Christina is singing one of her mindless songs, and Taker is cowering behind his chair. The Blood Lords are singing backup.)  
  
Taker: I can't take this anymore!  
  
(Lucifer enters, Nancy on his lap)  
  
Lucifer: She's HERE too? I'm being followed by morons all day! First Brock, then-  
  
Nancy: She has a terrible voice, too.  
  
Lucifer: This ends! (points his only hand at Christina, making her hair catch on fire. She starts running around and screaming) Much better!  
  
Christina: NO!!!!!! I paid $10,000 for this hair!  
  
Nancy: Then, you paid WAY too much.  
  
(Christina runs in circles, coincidentally running through the exit just as Molly enters.)  
  
Voice: NANCY!!!  
  
Lucifer: Aww, crap! I thought we lost him!  
  
Nancy: Guess not. Step on it! (the two teddies race off in the wheelchair just as Brock crawls by, still foaming at the mouth and still stinky.)  
  
Molly: (whiny) Why can't I have a normal life with a normal family???  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(Kurt is walking down the hall, carrying several jugs of milk, several more than he can actually carry, explaining why he's walking so slow.)  
  
(Suddenly, a poof of smoke fills the hall and Christina comes running in, her hair still ablaze. Kurt stares in shock)  
  
Kurt: What do I do?  
  
(two miniature Kurts appear on his shoulders, an angel and devil)  
  
Angel Kurt: Quick! Pour a jug of milk over the flames!  
  
Devil Kurt: No!!! (Angel Kurt jerks head towards him) It's milk!  
  
Angel Kurt: But she could die!  
  
Kurt: Yeah!  
  
Devil Kurt: But... but... it's milk! (waves arms excitedly)  
  
Kurt: (thinks it over) ... yeah!  
  
Angel Kurt: Your just going to let her die because you don't want to waste any precious milk!  
  
Devil Kurt: Well, if I'm not mistaken, it's milk that keeps your wings and halo strong and shiny!  
  
Angel Kurt: I'm willing to risk that to save- (turns to face Christina) Who is that, anyway? (scratches neck with halo)  
  
Devil Kurt: I think it's Christina Aguilera.  
  
Angel Kurt: (pause) LET HER FRY!!!  
  
Kurt: NO! I'LL SAVE YOU!!! (drops the milk jugs and pulls the top off one as the Devil and Angel Kurts disappear. He rushes over and douses Christina's head with milk.)  
  
Christina: AHHH!!! MY DESIGNER CLOTHES!!! (begins wringing out her blouse)  
  
Kurt: Are you all right?  
  
Christina: Does it, like, look like I'm all right? My clothes are ruined, and my hair is (feels head, it's completely bald) GONE!!! OH, MY GOD!!! (begins weeping) Now no hot guys will think I'm hot!  
  
Kurt: Well, I don't know, I think bald is kinda cute.  
  
Christina: (stops crying) Really? (Kurt nods) Wow, like, thanks!  
  
Kurt: Don't worry, I'll get those clothes cleaned.  
  
Christina: Don't worry about it. You, like, saved my life! You're a hero! (plants a lip locker right on Kurt.)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(Nowinski is strutting down the hall, oblivious to the events in the ring. He walks by the Super Chrises, both of whom are munching on Steve O's Soup.)  
  
Nowinski: Hey, guys. What happening?  
  
Jericho: Oh, look- Mr. Harvard. (slurp)  
  
Benoit: Probably flunked out of high school. (slurp)  
  
Nowinski: (didn't hear them) I heard you two have a new stable, sounds neat. What's it called, The Super Chrises?  
  
Benoit: Yup. (slurp, munch)  
  
Jericho: Something like that. (slurp)  
  
Benoit: What about it? (slurrrrrrrrrrrrrp)  
  
Nowinski: Well, I was thinking about joining up with the two of you. Ya know, to get my push going again. And since my name is also Chris, and all. (geeky smile. The Super Chrises keep eating quietly) What do you say?  
  
Jericho: ... no. (munch, slurp, crunch)  
  
Nowinski: Aw, please?  
  
Benoit: He already said no. (munch) Don't piss me off. (slurp)  
  
Nowinski: Is that a threat?  
  
Jericho: You haven't seen him get pissed. (slurp, munch) At least, not recently. (gulp, slurp)  
  
Nowinski: I'm not afraid of either one of you! I could take the both of you on right now. Go ahead, Benny, give me your best shot! (taunts Benoit, who doesn't even look up, but morphs into a wolverine in mid slurp)  
  
Jericho: Go ahead, (slurp) snarl.  
  
(Benoit bares his three fangs {the fourth is his missing tooth, remember?} and growls slowly at Nowinski.)  
  
Nowinski: Holy crap! (begins trembling, backing away slowly.) You don't have rabies or anything, do you?  
  
(Benoit looks like he's just about to bite Mr. Harvard in two when Cerrita enters. His ears immediately go forward and he begins purring)  
  
DA Cerrita: Awww, how adorable! (scratches Benoit behind the ear. He rubs his head against her shoulder, long reach for an 8' wolverine, since Cerrita's only 5'6.)  
  
Nowinski: You're an author, right? (Cerrita nods) Then you can write me into their stable!  
  
DA Cerrita: No.  
  
Nowinski: This isn't fair! I'm a Harvard graduate! I deserve better! (begins throwing a tantrum)  
  
Jericho: How 'bout you earn it? (slurp)  
  
DA Cerrita: Yeah, in your return debut. A Steele Chair Match- (Nowinski looks confident) against Kane- (he pales) tonight. (he looks terrified.)  
  
Nowinski: But-  
  
DA Cerrita: Don't talk to me anymore.  
  
Nowinski: But- (Benoit growls menacingly) Right. Well, I should get ready for my match, then. (leaves quickly)  
  
DA Cerrita: Awww, thank you! (kisses Benoit's cheek. He resumes purring.)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(unmarked locker room # 1)  
  
Jackie: But, Rico, why???  
  
Rico: Because it is my destiny! It is a calling!  
  
Jackie: But I've been trying so hard to make you straight, and your ruining it!  
  
Rico: Please, not another word. I leave you this bottle of sparkly glitter as a parting gift. Farewell! (Rico exits the locker room, dressed WAY too flashy, carrying a girly suitcase.)  
  
Jackie: But Rico, I love you!  
  
Rico: Girlfriend, talk to the hand! (holds hand up over his shoulder for her to see as he walks off, swaying his hips.)  
  
(Unmarked locker room #2)  
  
Val Venis: (in his entrance music voice) Goodbye, ladies!  
  
Female voices: (various protests)  
  
Val: Not another word. This big piece of man candy must leave before emotions get out of control. (exits with a duffel bag, wearing only two towels, one around his waist the other around his head. Several females follow him to the door, crying uncontrollably)  
  
Random female: Val, we love you!  
  
(hallway)  
  
Goldust: Lance, I want you to have these handcuffs and feather boas. And take these jars of gold and black paint. And always remember the name of (inhale) Goldust.  
  
Lance: Um, all right. Where are you going, anyway?  
  
Goldust: It doesn't matter, only that you would not belong. See ya around, my wild and crazy brother. (exits locker room with gold luggage. Lance follows him in confusion to the doorway.) Oh, and take care of the Mini Dusts for me! (two tiny gold figures race out and cling to Goldy's leg)  
  
Mini Dust: Don't go, Goldy!  
  
Mrs. Dust: Yeah! You're our favorite!  
  
Goldust: I must leave you. (they look sad.) Don't worry, Lance will replace me.  
  
Lance: What???  
  
Dusts: Yay!!! (cling to Lance's legs) WE LOVE YOU, LANCE!!!  
  
Lance: Oh, great! Just wonderful! (sighs)  
  
(unmarked locker room #3)  
  
Ho #3: But Godfather, what will happen without you?  
  
Ho #8: Yeah, why are you leaving?  
  
Godfather: Ho's, I'm sad to say that today is the day that the Godfather (like his entrance) Gets off the HOOOOOO train!  
  
Ho #14: We'll miss you, Godfather!  
  
Ho #5: Yeah, write soon!  
  
Godfather: Don't worry ladies, I'll keep in touch. You're still my bitches, even if my tastes have changed.  
  
Ho #10: But who's going to be the new pimp?  
  
Ho #1: Yeah, you haven't appointed anyone yet.  
  
Godfather: (nervously) Your right, I haven't told you yet who it is, have I? (leads the Ho's into the hall. He looks around almost frantically.) He should be here any minute...  
  
(Coach and Snow walk by, laughing loudly at some stupid joke. Godfather stops them.)  
  
Godfather: (overly relieved.) Glad you got here, I was just starting to get worried.  
  
(Coach and Snow look confused, as do the Ho's)  
  
Godfather: Ho's meet your new pimp. (motions to the two commentators)  
  
Ho #12: Um, which one?  
  
Godfather: Oh, sorry. (motions to Coach)  
  
Ho's: COACH??? (several Ho's faint)  
  
Coach: WHAT???  
  
Godfather: Of course!  
  
Coach: I don't know about this-  
  
Godfather: (grabs Coach and pulls him aside) Just watch them, ok? It's a real easy job, like running a business. And they're all pretty ditzy, so it's like herding sheep. But watch out for Ho number one, she's actually got brains.  
  
Coach: Um, which is number one?  
  
Godfather: That one. (points to a bright redhead)  
  
Coach: So, I'm the new godfather? (looks around nervously) Am I on candid camera?  
  
Godfather: Yup, good luck. See ya, ladies. (waves to the Ho's as he walks off, suitcase in hand.)  
  
Snow: Damn, you just inherited the Godfather's Ho's!  
  
Coach: (in a daze as the Ho's begin feeling him up as they adapt to the new pimp) Yeah, I did, didn't I?  
  
Ho #!: Well, what now?  
  
Coach: How many ho's are there?  
  
Ho #1: Godfather never kept more than 20 with him at any one time, but he had a total upwards of 300. (Snow chokes on the soda he was drinking.) And you've inherited all of them. So, like I said, what now?  
  
(Rock walks by, looking upset at loosing his strudels. He sees Coach being literally fondled by about 20 ho's and stops in his tracks.)  
  
Rock: (whispering) What in the blue hell... ? (walks up to Coach.) So Coach, making a pretty pricey investment, aren't you? You know, the Rock never needs to buy himself female company, they naturally flock towards the Rock-  
  
Coach: Actually, I'm their pimp.  
  
Rock: (stops his usual sexual innuendos) Oh. Starting a new business venture, then?  
  
Ho #1: No, we're formerly the Godfather's ho's, but he's left.  
  
Rock: (stunned) You're the NEW Godfather?  
  
Coach: Yup. Wanna rent one?  
  
Rock: (several silent beats before side splitting laughter.) This is the funniest thing the Rock has heard in a long time! Coach, COACH! Boring, sad, pathetic, pitiful Coach is the new pimp for the Ho Train? (several ho's pause to nod before resuming their explorations) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh, my! That's great! That lifted the Rock's spirits! There's hope for the pointless after all! (walks off, still laughing)  
  
Coach: I really hate him.  
  
Snow: Um, hate to interrupt your moment of loathing, but you'd better take a look at your clothing situation.  
  
Coach: Huh, what? (looks down and realizes he's in just his socks, and ho's 7 and 19 were working them off.) HEY!!! (grabs his shirt and covers himself.) Not in the hallway!  
  
Ho #1: Allright! Everybody back in the locker room! (the ho's file in. number 1 links arms with Coach as they walk in.) So, what's your first order of business as pimp?  
  
Coach: (evil smile) I know. Now, listen closely...  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(scene is the ring. The fans are cheering the next match- Nowinski vs Kane in a Steele Chair Match! BannonLuke is sitting front row, the twelve Mollys pampering him. Number 10 might as well be giving him a lap dance.)  
  
Lilian: The following is a Steele Chair Match, where the first person to beat their so they can't get up before a 10 count is declared winner. Already in the ring, Kane! And entering the ring, Chris Nowinski!  
  
(Lilian quickly exits the ring, leaving Earl Hebner, who fortunately DIDN'T die because of O'Haire {YAY!!!} alone in the ring with the wrestlers. The bell dings to begin.)  
  
Nowinski: (waving chair around pointlessly) I'm not afraid of you!  
  
Kane: (just watches him a few moments before taking his own chair and bashing the Harvard graduate once across the skull.) I win.  
  
(Nowinski didn't have a chance. And with that, Kane wins by 10 count. Earl vary nervously holds Kane's hand up.)  
  
Kane: (picks up Earl suddenly by the scruff of his neck) Are you a praying man? (notices Earl is in the middle of prayer.) Good. (puts him down and motions for a mic from ringside. Talks with the whispery voice) Now, with such an easy victory, it makes sense that I should celebrate any way I want. (pause to look at the crowd, most of whom are cheering.) Normally, I would light something on fire, but this time I'm going to so something a little different. (cute voice) Ivory, come down here so you can marry me now!  
  
(Crowd 'awwwwww's loudly as Ivory's music hits and she steps out to the top ramp in a flowing white wedding dress. Kane begins conducting the show.)  
  
Kane: Lilian, you hold on to these rings. (hands them to a nervous Lilian.) Ref, take this little bible Eddie got me and stand right here! (picks up a cowering Earl and places him against the far ropes, the little bible clutched in his hands.) And JR, you're gonna walk her down the isle.  
  
JR: Why do I have to do it?  
  
Kane: 'Cause I said so! (JR rolls his eyes and leaves the commentators booth to stand by Ivory.) And I need some flower girls to stand on the ramp. (Coach's music hits and he leads the ho's out- a couple are missing, and he's fortunately dressed again.) King, you've been married a lot before, is that everything?  
  
King: (looks slightly annoyed by that comment) Yeah, you got everything, except a best man and brides maids.  
  
Kane: Then I need them, now! (Undertaker, RVD, Molly, Trish, Christian w/ Eric, and Linda all enter and stand kinda near Earl.) Ok, now we can start.  
  
('Here comes the Bride' plays and JR walks Ivory down the ramp, up the stairs onto the apron, and into the ring, handing her off to Kane.)  
  
Earl: (opens little bible) We're gathered here- how can anyone read this print? Jesus!  
  
Edge: (appearing from nowhere) You rang?  
  
(Earl rolls his eyes and tries once again to read the print, when suddenly Terri's music plays and she stomps out to the stage, also wearing a wedding dress. She looks furious)  
  
Terri: No, this can not happen! Kane loves ME! YOU KISSED ME FIRST!!!  
  
Kane: That was a long time ago, it doesn't mean anything!  
  
Terri: Well, it means a lot to me! And I'm gonna prove my love for you by beating that piece of trash through the mat! (charges into the ring and perfectly spears Ivory. Earl gets accidentally hit and is knocked out of the ring.)  
  
(Kane starts freaking out, not sure what to do. Everyone else in the ring is just trying to avoid being hit by the two flailing women. Suddenly, a huge circle of fire erupts on the ground around the ring, getting everybody's attention. They all look at Kane, who shrugs in confusion.)  
  
Linda: All right, who did that?  
  
(JR timidly raises his hand)  
  
Kane: What? How? Only I can do things with fire like that!  
  
JR: (stands face to face with Kane.) Kane, when you set me on fire, it released a power I thought I'd lost long ago. The power to control fire, just like you.  
  
Kane: Wait a minute...?  
  
Taker: It's time you learn the truth, boy.  
  
Kane: Huh, what truth?  
  
Molly: You're adopted. You aren't actually our brother.  
  
RVD: (stoned) Cool, huh?  
  
JR: They're right.  
  
Kane: Now I'm confused! (sits in the middle of the ring like he does when he's just sat up) What's going on?  
  
JR: Kane, I'm your father.  
  
(odd silence.)  
  
King: .No.  
  
Taker: Yes.  
  
Kane: No.  
  
JR: Yeah.  
  
Kane: No way. Not possible!  
  
JR: Son, I'm afraid it is. Now get up and give your old man a hug!  
  
(Kane stands up to tearfully hug JR, and the crowd aww's.)  
  
Linda: Come on Kane, lets get you married.  
  
Taker: (slightly teary eyed.) My kid bro's finally settlin' down. (sniffle)  
  
(Test enters and quickly snatches up the tiny bible from Earl)  
  
Test: SIN!!! Sin! Sin! Sin! (points to various people before quickly exiting)  
  
Kane: Hmm, so that's where Eddie got that bible. Now what do we do?  
  
Molly: Better question- who are you marrying? (Terri and Ivory are still battling it out. Neither looks quite up to bride appearance any more.)  
  
(Lucifer, with Nancy on his lap, wheels out to the commentators table. He lets King pick up the tiny wheelchair and place it on the table. Nancy scoops up JR's headphones and the two share it.)  
  
Lucifer: Why don't you just marry both of them? Nobody will mind!  
  
King: (glancing at Lucifer) What would you know about marriage? You're a teddy bear!  
  
Nancy: Well, it just so happens that we're only stopping here for a quick visit before our honeymoon.  
  
Kane: That means-  
  
Nancy: Yep! Me and Lucifer are married!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(somewhere in the world with TV access, a lone voice screams)  
  
Brock: (very shrill, strained) NANCYYYYY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
King: Hey, Lucifer, I just gotta ask. (Teddy turns to him slowly) What do teddy puppies feel like? (Lucifer's eyes narrow VERY slowly)  
  
(Camera angle changes and suddenly all we see is Nancy seated alone in the wheelchair, Lucifer and King are nowhere to be seen. Quick beating sounds emit from under the table)  
  
King: It was only a QUESTION! HONEST!!! OW!!! OW!!! OW!!!  
  
Linda: Well, lets get this wedding going! (Taker and JR pull Ivory and Terri apart)  
  
Terri: (growl, snarl) ... must... marry... Kane!  
  
Kane: Great news! I'm marrying both of you!  
  
(both women stop struggling)  
  
Ivory: ... really?  
  
Kane: Yeah! Now we can have flaming dumpster sex together!  
  
Three of them: YAY!!!  
  
(Shaniqua suddenly appears in a poof of smoke, brandishing a cat-o-nine tails. JR sees her and ducks behind Kane fearfully.)  
  
Shaniqua: What's going on here? There's no way my son is being part of some girly wedding!  
  
Christian: Dude, you, like, have a son?  
  
Shaniqua: Unfortunately, I do. NOW GET OVER HERE!!! (Coach leaves the Ho's and scurries over to Shaniqua, hunched over in fear)  
  
Coach: (meekly) Yes, mother?  
  
Trish: Now I'm confused.  
  
Shaniqua: Why weren't you at the airport to meet me? I told you when my flight was! I traveled 5,000 miles from Heaven, which included a layover in Cincinnati, and my own pathetic son wasn't even there!  
  
Coach: I'm sorry mother! (she beats him with the whip)  
  
JR: Hey, he may be a jackass, but that's too much!  
  
(Shaniqua turns to him and he ducks back behind Kane, pulling Taker over beside him as a blockade.)  
  
JR: Fear!  
  
Shaniqua: I'm on Raw to stay!  
  
(Basham's music play and the brothers enter)  
  
Doug (or is it Danny? Who knows) Basham #1: Hey! You can't be on Raw, Shaniqua! We need you on Smackdown!  
  
Basham #2: Yeah! What will we ever do without your whip to please us?  
  
Shaniqua: How about this! (beats them to death with her whip, crowd cheers)  
  
Linda: CAN WE GET THIS WEDDING OVER WITH PLEASE????? (everyone goes silent) Thank you. (clears throat) Oh, wait. What about the bouquet?  
  
Taker: I got that. (tears the bouquet in half, giving the two pieces to Terri and Ivory)  
  
Linda: Thank you. Ok, Kane, do you take these two women as your wives?  
  
(Kane makes the turn buckles light on fire)  
  
Linda: I'll take that as a yes. Terri, do you take Kane as your husband and Ivory as your sister wife?  
  
Terri: Yes!  
  
Linda: Ivory, do you take Kane as your husband and Terri as your sister wife?  
  
Ivory: I do.  
  
Linda: Then, by the powers vested in me by being married to Vince, your all married! Congratulations!  
  
(Crowd awwws.)  
  
JR: You three had better get busy, I want some grandchildren!  
  
(Molly, Steph, Linda, most of the Ho's, Lilian, Trish and even Shaniqua group together to catch the bouquet. Terri and Ivory throw at the same time, and Molly and Trish catch them)  
  
Molly and Trish: We're both getting married soon! (hug in the ring)  
  
~~~Meanwhile~~~  
  
Random reader: Hey! What about that Super Ultimate Curse-  
  
From nowhere: GASP!!!  
  
Random reader: Thing that Rocky was suppose to get?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(parking garage. Rocky is strutting towards his 12 cars, all of which escort him around parade style where ever her goes.)  
  
Rock: Coach as the new pimp, what a laugh!  
  
(unlocks one trunk to throw his bag in, but screams in horror at a mutilated Ho skeleton laying inside. He slams the trunk shut and runs to the next car. Same thing. And with all twelve cars. His constant screaming catches the attention of a nearby officer.)  
  
Cop: What seems to be the trouble, sir? (glances in one trunk and-----)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Authors Ramblings-  
  
Yeah, evil of us to leave you hanging like that. Don't worry, we'll try to get episode 6 up very soon! Read and Review please!!! You'll get cookies if you do! 


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